Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 3/28/2009

Question
My husband has been drinking uncontrollably for 6 years.  We have been through bankruptcy, repossession, almost forclosure, and separation.  He prefers alcohol, but once that starts he turns to drugs.  He has been unfaithful.  Our last separation was almost a year ago.  In that time, he entered into a relationship with a stripper that made everything worse. She is just as addicted as he is.  He has since left that relationship and decided he wanted to come home.  He claims he was "in love" with her, but knows he can't be with her because of her problems and that he wants to go forward in life.  However, his drinking hasn't stopped.  He spends every dollar he gets on drinking/drugs/strip clubs.  I have a separate checking account so not to put us in a financial hardship with his spending.  I am trying to give him unconditional love without judgment.  I know he is beyond making rational decisions once he has decided to drink.  However, he curses and threatens and says hurtful things and even talks and hangs out with his ex.  He regrets it afterward, but it doesn't change his behavior.  I feel that I need to hold on and pray for him and our marriage.  I feel that God is telling me to "hold tight" and don't give up.  I say this because I was ready to file for a divorce before he came home.  I wanted to "get closure" to my separation since my husband was living with this stripper. But something beyond my desires held me back. I feel foolish to talk to anyone.  I just feel that God has a plan and I just have to be patient.  I am the one that gets hurt with my current situation.  I can deal with that.  I just need advice if there is there any way this could possibly help?

Answer
Greetings to you, Janie.

You have asked:

>> Is my behavior "right"?

Doing what is right and good in spite of anything else can often be difficult, and even then there is no guarantee of any particular outcome.  Let us look at some things you have written ...

>> I have a separate checking account so not to put us in a financial hardship with his spending.

If that means you have a separate income and you are not giving him any part of it, then you are being wise and prudent.  Over time, your husband is going to drink everything of at least his own completely away, and apart from some hard-won experience you might ultimately gain, it would be a waste of time, energy and resources to attempt to maintain anything on his behalf.  In other words: your husband’s “financial hardship” is inevitable and you cannot change that.

>> I am trying to give him unconditional love without judgment.

We could have quite a discussion here!  First, and since there is no such thing as "conditional" love, there is no need for the word "unconditional" in front of it.  So then, that leaves us with this:

>> I am trying to ... love without judgment.

Your husband's present actions are completely immoral and unacceptable, and you are not wrongly judging him while rightly judging his actions.  Then, one way you can display your love to/for him is by being sure he knows the truth about his actions being completely immoral and unacceptable in the light of goodness and truth.  You do not necessarily have to be the one to tell him any or all of that, of course, but love does not skirt truth and leave someone alone and dying in the midst of his or her own ignorance or delusion.  Ultimately, “loving without judgment” means speaking truth and doing good and right things without appointing oneself to be the offender's executioner.

>> I know he is beyond making rational decisions once he has decided to drink.

Alcohol certainly can and does affect/impair one’s judgment, but your husband’s “thinking problem” actually precedes his drinking.  Like anyone else, he always does whatever his mind might at the time believe is good, desirable, acceptable, justified or whatever else, and there is a certain “insanity” that always makes it possible for him to essentially turn away from anything and everything else in favor of the effect he gets from alcohol.  That is the alcoholic’s “mental (or emotional) illness”, as such, and until removed via spiritual means, it will always win out over any kind of rational thinking.

>> I feel that I need to hold on and pray for him and our marriage.

That can be a good thing to do when one is able, but there is no edict saying you must.  Your husband’s healing will first be dependent upon his desire to have it, and then upon his willingness to cooperate and participate in it.

>> I feel that God is telling me to "hold tight" and don't give up.

That is very possible, and I can help you along that path if you decide to walk it.

>> I say this because I was ready to file for a divorce before he came home.
>> I wanted to "get closure" to my separation since my husband was living with this stripper. But something beyond my desires held me back.

That “something” that held you back could have simply been a combination of your own awareness, desire and willingness related to how things actually should be, but it can also be argued that even those things could only come from above.

>> I feel foolish to talk to anyone.

This world tends to believe all right-mined folks are fools.  Ignore its ways.

>> I just feel that God has a plan and I just have to be patient.

There is no doubt as to “a plan”: To reconcile all to Himself and to destroy all evil that might yet remain.  Have you ever read “Hinds’ Feet On High Places”?  The challenge for us is to remain steady and trusting while His plan is at work.

>> I am the one that gets hurt with my current situation.  I can deal with that.

Possibly so.

>> I just need advice if there is there any way this could possibly help?

Probably not in the way I believe you are thinking there: Your husband is not going to one day suddenly “wake up” and realize all your good works and stop drinking and become responsible.  Rather, he is going to drink until everything is gone and he is near death, and there is nothing in his present life that will be carried over into his new one if he ever accepts the spiritual help he needs.  At that point, he might make his way back to you while seeking your forgiveness and meaning to rightly serve, but he will do that for your sake alone and not because you might have been able to salvage anything else.

Please know you are always welcomed to write ...

Joseph Lee O
leejosepho@hotmail.com