Expert: Druideck - 3/11/2009

Question
her drinking is now starting to turn into violent fits. tearing up her home, throwing her loving friends (roomates) out with screaming tantrams. she breaks everything that will break resulting in deep bad cuts to herself, that she will NOT have treated.  She is usually drunk by 9am...sometimes only on beer..sometimes on whiskey or vodka..sometimes she just stays drunk 24 hours at a time.  she has picked up other "horrible" habits..... she "licks" stuff..like your or hers...or whomevers .. cell phone. she licks the door facings. she licks the can the beer is in. she pees in her pants and does not know it. but will then act like a balarina putting her legs in the air..showing the wet spot she is unaware of. if myself or anyone even mentions that her drinking is out of hand......she goes into a raging-screaming-attacking fit from hell. she is 47 years old and cannot hold down a job, can't have a drivers permit and can't tell you what day of the week it is.  she steals constantly...not even stuff she needs.. just dumb stuff like plants.. yard chairs..  she has several warrants out for her on unpaid fines, no shows to court etc.... i almost feel it would be a good minute if she were incarcerated. but God knows i love her and on't want to see her in jail. but I don't want to see her dead either. when i confront her, she stays mad at me for days and will not talk to me..then i really worry that something is wrong and i cannot go and help her, as i often have to do.  i am turning into her mother ... instead of a friend..  i have to see that she eats at times... she is down to about 90 lbs. what can i do .. she cannot afford rehab.. no way. there is no $$ anywhere for that..so don't suggest that.  suggest something that is possible.....please hear me. there is no $$$$$$$

Answer
Jo,

She has a treatable problem but
it has to be her that decides
to help herself.

When others help an alcoholic
they help them to death unknowingly.
They need to go to jail or whatever
it takes to wake them up.

Alcoholics Anonymous is completely
free and available to her anytime
she hits bottom which I am sure is
very soon.
Most government alcohol agencies have
counsellors also for free.


It is only making it harder for
her everytime someone thinks
they are helping. This is called
enabling and every alcoholic
has some enablers softening things
so they can drink or have another
excuse to drink.

This enabling becomes an illness in parallel
to the alcoholics drinking and bad behaviours.

You have to stop helping so she has no
excuses and nowhere to go but AA
or detox and counselling.

This is important to understand as
stepping in to help her
will cause her to continue drinking.
She has to see how bad things are
so she will seek help.

If you see a counsellor they can
help you understand the dynamics of
alcoholism better and possibly
arrange an controlled intervention
rather than making her angry
and giving her an excuse to drink again.

Get away from her and let her experience
whatever it takes to break her denial.
If you can't stay away or stand
up to her then you need to go to
AL-Anon meetings and get help and
advise for yourself before you can
help her effectively.

This is tough I know but I have
22 years of alcoholism related
experience and believe me
you need to let go unless she
is actively threatening suicide,
at that point you call the police
for sure.

She has to hit a mental and emotional
bottom that breaks her denial of
how bad things are.
Some alcoholics seek recovery
and some do not but we can
not effectively control other people's
lives for long, we are not Gods only human.

This may not be what you want to hear
but it is the truth and the only
way to truly help her and yourself.