Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/24/2009

Question
I have been researching on the internet but haven't found much information that pertains to my situation. I have been dating my bestfriend who I have known over five years. He has had a history of drug abuse counseling for coke problems in the past; however, after his father passed, he never touched it again when I brought it up to him. Every problem that has existed in our relationship when we finally started dating months back has mainly evolved around alcohol. When I read the profiles of an alcoholic, it describes the extreme behaviors as tremors, hangovers, etc; however, I know very experienced alcoholics who don't experience the same. When he's let me down it's been because he was too drunk to be there for me, or would do things that weren't intentionally painful but hurt me because he wasn't there when I needed him or hurt me with his words or bizarre behavior. He works above a local bar and often goes day drinking but can't even go almost two days without beer or alcohol. When he came to me letting me know he would cut down, of course...he couldn't keep his word. One day we were all out, and suddenly he hit a wall, talking to himself, getting up and down and leaving the restaurant, not talking at all then saying mean and awful things, peeing in public, etc. It was like he literally hit a wall and lost his mind. Does an alcoholic have to constantly be drunk or are there those who if they should decided to get drunk twice a week and hit a wall, also alcoholics? He always has the excuse that a few beers is not a problem but then he has his day drinking with the boys watching sports and gets wasted. I just wish he didn't even have to smell like beer all the time. I was so hurt by all the things he said to me and so embarassed by his behavior that I had to let him go. I cannot enable and support alcoholic behaviors even though I love him with all my heart. He told me I overreacted but his friends all admit he has a problem and that he gets wierd when he drinks, but when he asks they don't fess up and tell him what they express to me. Why aren't there things out there to make those aware and how come the only signs of alcholism are extreme ones? I feel like I'm the only one who cares about him and there's nothing I can do to make him realize he needs help. Is what I'm feeling right?

Answer
Hi Aubry,

The twisted thinking of an addict tells them that, if coke is the problem, they'll stop coke - alcohol is not a problem. Usually they drink more to compensate for not using coke.

Alcohol is a progressive disease and the alcoholic develops tolerance, so he can consume a lot and not show signs of being drunk - unless they go over their limit. Most alcoholics never experience the tremors et. But they are still damaging their body, their relationships and if he's still holding a job, its only a matter of time......

Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do about it.  Point him in the direction of local AA meetings, but then again he's the one who has to go.

You're right to stop enabling him and it's very hard to leave a dependent person, but you must. This relationship will only drag you down.

This page on my site may help you. It's new so it may not be in Google yet, but you can link directly to it.

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/how-to-break-up.html

There are also many other pages on the site that can be helpful.

Thank you for writing All Experts,
If you need more info just let me know

Best of luck

Beverley Glazer
http://untwist-your-thinking