Expert: Druideck - 3/15/2009

Question
I don't even know where to start! my boyfriend is 23 and has a 28 year old brother, they both live at home. His brother is a severe alcoholic and my boyfriend is ALWAYS bailing him out of everything as are his parents! no matter what he does they don't kick him out make him pay rent. My boyfriend doesn't feel like he can leave home because his parents struggle to stay afloat while bailing his older brother out of every situation. they say things like maybe he should go to jail, maybe we need to move away. But they never take any action. Last week my boyfriend went on a holiday and left his car keys with me to give to his dad, somehow his brother got the keys got drunk let his drunk friend drive the car and totaled the car!! I can't take this anymore. this is the 4th car that has been smashed by this individual. He has been a drunk since I met my boyfriend but its just getting worse I feel crazy. I plan on marrying him and I just don't know if I can take on this kind of baggage, he calls my boyfriend to get him at 2, 3, 4 in the morning and my boyfriend OR his parents can't say NO and make my boyfriend get him cause there scared he'll get killed!!! they let him live there for free, they bail him out, he hurts everyone and worries everyone around him and I tried last night to explain to them they have to kick him out make him hit rock bottom but its like they don't hear me. his mom just goes, I don't want to know, I don't want to know while his dad pray's. They can't take control they let this 28 year old MAN ruin and run there life! and its starting to take a tole on mine!!! I don't know what to do what to tell them. I work 12-14 hours a day to support my boyfriend while he works 12 hour days to support his family so his retired parents can both work full/part time to bail his brother out of everything! they just don't see that they are doing more harm than helping by letting him stay there. My poor boyfriend is going to come home from a holiday to no car, and worst of all his parents expect him to pay for it not the brother that smashed the thing caue "he has no money" !!! they don't want me to call my boyfriend there and ruin his holiday on the 3rd day of being there, but by not telling him i'm costing US more money by not being able to get the car out of the impound!!! with out a written letter to do so i can't go get the car! I don't want to go behind his parents back so they don't like me, but we can't afford $1400 to get a car thats not even going to covered by insurance cause his brother was driving! the cars not even paid off now we owe on that and have to buy a new car. I'm at my wits end I need advice I don't want to lose my wonderful boyfriend but I can't take this stress of paying his parents way to bail out his alcoholic brother!!!
please help!!!!
is there anywhere to send his parents for advice or counseling?
thank you!

Answer
Jessica,

It is very upsetting to see how people
help alcoholics to their doom unknowingly.
Of course the families intensions are
good as they want to help in the
hope that he will someday turn his
life around.
Unfortunately this approach does not
work with alcoholics.
Alcoholism is an illness that affects
very many people. It's symptoms are
firstly denial in the alcoholic
and finally in the family.
They do not want to see that the person
is very ill and could die from
the way they are being affected
by continued drinking.
Alcoholics also experience a downward
spiral of mental, emotional, physical
and spiritual parts of themself.
Im other words they get worse in
every way possible for a human
to experience.
Things like counselling, AA, treatment
or rehab short circuit this
process as long as they stay away from
alcohol.

He has a treatable problem but
it has to be him that decides
to help himself.

When others help an alcoholic
they help them to death unknowingly.
They need to go to jail or whatever
it takes to wake them up.

Alcoholics Anonymous is completely
free and available to him anytime
he hits bottom which I am sure is
very soon.
Most government alcohol agencies have
counsellors also for free.

It is only making it harder for
him everytime someone thinks
they are helping. This is called
enabling and every alcoholic
has some enablers softening things
so they can drink or have another
excuse to drink.

This enabling becomes an illness in parallel
to the alcoholics drinking and bad behaviours.

You all have to stop helping so he has no
excuses and nowhere to go but AA
or detox and counselling.

This is important to understand as
stepping in to help him
will cause him to continue drinking.
He has to see how bad things are
so he will seek help.

If the family sees a counsellor they can
help them understand the dynamics of
alcoholism better and possibly
arrange an controlled intervention
rather than making him angry
and giving him an excuse to drink again.

They have to let go and let him experience
whatever it takes to break his denial.
If they can't stay away or stand
up to him then they need to go to
AL-Anon meetings and get help and
advise for themselves before they can
help him effectively.

They need to let go unless he
is actively threatening suicide,
at that point you call the police
for sure.

He has to hit a mental and emotional
bottom that breaks his denial of
how bad things are.
Some alcoholics seek recovery
and some do not but we can
not effectively control other people's
lives for long, we are not Gods only human.

This may not be what they want to hear
but it is the truth and the only
way to truly help him and yourselves.

Back away from helping and stop
lecturing or complaining to him.
Protect your own interests however
you need to. Call the police
if he is doing mean or illegal things.
See it as helping him in the long
run. He has to face these responsibilities
or die in his illness.
Don't worry about hurting his feelings
he will thank you when he recovers
from this dreadful illness as I did
22 years ago.

Take care, good luck!