You are here:
- Home
- Health/Fitness
- Substance Abuse
- Addiction to Alcohol
- cant stop crying
Addiction to Alcohol/cant stop crying
Advertisement
Question
joe to be honest i didnt even read your profile i just saw that you belong to the same fellowship as i do my name is jeff and i am a liar,an addict,a drunk and an asshole i lied to enable my addictions i drank to enable my addiction and i was an asshole to enable my addictions i have been away from the booze for about 10 months with the help of aa sobriety has brought so much to me i was thrown out of my home with my fiance but we worked it out well you know the routine this is like my 20th attempt to stay sober ive been to jail rehab etc i have not been in a nut house, yet .. but i feel its coming i have stopped going to meetings and rehersing the steps and now i am in this emotional shit storm i cry alot and today i thought about suicide im not one to think this stuff but during my freak out it just starting happening eventually i started to calm down and wut not but i had to go to this length just to feel better? my fiance is a drinker she goes out when she can to party i try and go with her but i just end up bored and just not talking to anyone cuz well i just dont wanna drink when im there at the bar i really dont want to drink its when im home or crying or fighting with my fiance thats when im sooo weak i have some friends that i can talk to its just lately i dont feel like it i dont cry over sad things like funerals but i cry over well i dont know wut it is exactly sometimes arguing with my fiance upsets me but you have that ya know im know im kind of in this oh poor me, poor me , pour me a drink but deep inside i dont want to drink anymore and havent i dont even know if this all makes sense screw it im not gonna even spell check it because then ill make changes and the truth wont be there anymore i need a hug jeff
Greetings to you, Jeff.
Your words make perfect sense to me -- I have lived them. "Sufferingly sober" is definitely a very miserable place to be.
You have written:
>> i just saw that you belong to the same fellowship as i do
No, not if you are talking about today's AA, and no, neither am I playing with semantics. I belong to "the Fellowship of the Spirit" you can read about near the end of page 164 in "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book.
>> i lied ... drank ... and i was an asshole to enable my addictions
I also used to lie and drink and be an a** or whatever, but I was (and actually still am) far too powerless to ever enable anything.
>> i have been away from the booze for about 10 months with the help of aa
Yes, and as in my own case, you are now having an opportunity to learn and understand that "the help of aa", at least as we knew it, could never have brought any alcoholic into permanent recovery.
>> sobriety has brought so much to me
>> i was thrown out ... but we worked it out
The absence of your past drunkenness certainly did have an effect there, but sobriety does not make anything better. In fact, few things are more miserable for the alcoholic who has yet to experience transformation than sobriety.
>> well you know the routine this is like my 20th attempt to stay sober
Yes, I surely do know that routine ... and I also know how it can be permanently broken.
>> i have not been in a nut house, yet .. but i feel its coming
Yes, and sobriety used to be just as unbearable for me.
>> i have stopped going to meetings and rehersing the steps and now i am in this emotional shit storm
Please let me try to help you break that down a bit so you can see at least a couple of things more clearly ...
>> i have stopped going to meetings and rehersing the steps ...
Yes, and you have done that for one or the other of these two reasons:
1) You were not getting what you needed, wanted and/or expected;
2) You again began to believe you could do or be okay on your own.
>> ... and now i am in this emotional shit storm
First, you are not where you are at the moment because you "stopped going to meetings and rehersing the steps". There are people who say that and who want you to believe that, of course, but you would already be running right back to those "AA meetings" and/or whatever else if you could in even the slightest way believe the storm would then go away.
>> i cry alot and today i thought about suicide
Please know I have been right there, and many times ... and as you might have already read or heard, we were 100% hopeless apart from divine help.
>> im not one to think this [suicide] stuff but during my freak out it just starting happening
Yep, it just comes ... and I once had myself locked up for a few days to be sure I could not act out my own thoughts.
>> eventually i started to calm down and wut not but i had to go to this length just to feel better?
Yes ... but not in the way people are leading you to think. Pain certainly can motivate us toward real help, but pain does not ever produce even the slightest bit of healing.
>> i just dont wanna drink ...
>> i really dont want to drink ...
... and neither do I want to see you die.
>> its when im home or crying or fighting ... thats when im sooo weak
Sure, and that is because "sober", as in "Son Of a B----, Everything is Real", is a miserable place to be until after we have been spiritually transformed.
>> i have some friends that i can talk to its just lately i dont feel like it
Yes, and that is because we seek a fellowship that is very scarce in this world.
>> sometimes arguing with my fiance upsets me but you have that ya know
No, not unless you participate!
>> im know im kind of in this oh poor me, poor me, pour me a drink but deep inside i dont want to drink anymore and havent
How long do you think you might yet be able to hang on? Personally, I could never go for more than a few days ...
>> i dont even know if this all makes sense
Like I already said: It certainly does!
>> screw it im not gonna even spell check it because then ill make changes and the truth wont be there anymore
Yes, and I understand that, too ... and that is at least one of the reasons I used to avoid mirrors whenever I possibly could!
>> i need a hug
... and I offer one to you, but of a different kind than you might be thinking about.
Please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you wish.
Joe
leejosepho@hotmail.com
Related Articles
- Dealing With Depression - How Has Dealing With Depression Affected You
- Depression Symptoms - What Do Depression Symptoms Feel Like
- Depression Symptoms - What Do Depression Symptoms Feel Like
- Wearing a Bikini - Feelings About Wearing a Bikini
- Dealing With Depression - How Has Dealing With Depression Affected You
Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.