Expert: Druideck - 3/7/2009

Question
Hi. I have recently become aware that a coworker of mine may have a problem with alchohol. As a non-drinker as an adult (I did have alchohol as a child by somewhat abusive caregivers) I have not really had a lot of experience with drinking or with being hung-over or even if what I experienced through my coworker is a problem. We were at a meeting for work and we had to stay overnight and this coworker ended up being my roommate. Usually there are some cocktails before and during dinner at the work meeting but you do not have to drink. I usually order something non-alcoholic or just wait until dinner to have a soda. But this coworker brought alcohol to the hotel/casino where we were staying. I told her that we were going to have cocktails downstairs before dinner but she said she knew that, she was just going to get started. So she drank some alcohol. Throughout the evening, she continued to drink. I went to the room early around 9 PM after dinner because I do not care to stay out drinking or gambling and I was pretty tired from the stress of the work meetings. My coworker woke me up when she came in at 1 AM and she was rather trashed. I was very unsure of what to do. Later in the morning around 6:30 or 7, she was really sick. The room was spinning and she could not decide if she wanted to vomit or not but her stomach was hurting her and she just said she wanted to die. And that what she had done was really stupid. I offered to get her coffee or breakfast, or water, or tylenol or something to help. She did eat a little bit that I gave her some crackers, but she was feeling really sick and had to keep laying down. She was hungover during the meeting. I did not know what to do for her, or how to help. Now I am concerned and do not know what to do. It is unlikely that I will have much face to face contact with her although I will have phone contact and email contact and then probably at the next round of meetings I will see her again. I do not know if I should do anything in the meantime like give her the company's Employee Assistance Number or just stay out of it? And what to do in the future if she ends up being my roomie which seems likely because my boss tends to put the same people together time after time? Help me know what to do. Thanks for listening. Sorry if this question was weird. By the way, I do understand a little bit about what it is like to do something that is harmful to yourself as I have a long history of self-harm which I see a counsellor for, but I do not understand this and I do not know what I should do, if anything. I am just concerned.

Answer
Michelle,

I can understand your concern about
your coworker's drinking and behaviour.

The bottom line to consider is that
she is an adult and responsible for
how much she drinks and how she
behaves under the influence of alcohol.

I want to warn you as it is very easy
for some people to get caught up
in the drama and behaviour of
a drinking persons life.
This is called co-dependence and
can be as damaging to you as the
drinking is to her.

Co-dependent people have an
urgent need to help people.
This comes from a lack they feel
inside or in themselves.
They try to feed this feeling
by helping people even when they
are not asked to help.

The danger here is not the feeling
of concern, that is a normal
feeling to have when you think someone
has problems. The danger is being
too anxious to help or change
the other person.

This results is an obscession that
is bound to fail as we can not
really change other people,
that is something only they
can do and only when they are ready.
This might take your coworker many years
of drinking until she finally
hits bottom and seeks help for herself.

If you start to band-aid her
experiences by soothing or
in any other way making things
better for her, she will keep drinking
and use you as a doormat or
a leaning post. This is not
healthy for her or for you.

I cannot stress how important
it is for a drinker to feel
the pain so they can decide
to heal themself when they
have had enough.
If you soften things she will only
get worse.

For your own good do not act on your
feelings, act on common sense and
stay as far away and detached from
this situation as you can.

This has the potential to really
hurt you both. I am speaking from
22 years of experience here and
I am not unkind I just know how these
things go.

Wish her well and then let go so she
can find her own way in this.
Work on healing yourself and the
feelings that make you feel like you
need to help. This is your anxiety
you need to heal. Why do you feel
this way? Can you let her handle
her own problem? What is making
you feel this need to be needed?
Please be careful so you don't
get involved and end up hurt.