Expert: Clyde - 3/12/2009

Question
Hi Clyde, I've written you before about my situation. My husband was sober for 2 years but didn't work the program and was miserable and thus created hell for the rest of the family. Then started drinking "socially" (hear my sarcasm) last summer which lasted 3 days before it spiraled. I gave him a ultimatum to get help in October at which he mocked me and didn't believe I'd file for a divorce.(I had threatened before)But this time I followed thru. When it came time to evacuate the house he got real nice which I thought meant he recoginized his problem but in reality it was a ploy from him to not have to "really" leave. He moved to his brothers who has been sober 25 yrs and his brother was well aware how bad things  were with us. His brother had said he would do a intervention. It took almost 2 months to see that his brother evidently didn't believe me and had to find out the truth himself of my husbands drinking, as my husbands drinking started creating problems there and only last week convinced my husband to seek help. So, my husband went to our local hospital for the initial "evaluation" for treatments they offer. He called me after and announced that the evaluator told him he DIDN'T NEED in patient treatment! That he needed out patient, which my husband had already done before. I was totally shocked....The guy said he wasn't bad enough....So I ask you, what does it take to get in patient treatment?? With my job I see folks in patient many times funded by the state but someone that has bona fide insurance coverage has twice been denied in paitent! Whats wrong with that picture? Needless to say this validated my husbands denial. I realize my husband possibly lied to the evaluator but isin't that why evaluators are the professionals to see thru the crap? My husband did admit to me to telling the guy that because "I"  occasionally had a couple drinks at friends, that blew HIS sobriety as I was not supportive. I've personally been able to take a step back here and see that this whole recovery buisness is a lifetime long ordeal and not a easy fix. In the back of my mind I had hoped my husband would go in and whole heartedly embrace help. As I see it now, the boys and I have had a much calmer life with him gone and I am going to allow the divorce to go thru. My husband has said hes just fine with the divorce. I suspect hes lying or just isin't in touch with how he feels. Eitherway I think for the kids and I being away from him is best. Last time he got sober he was just as nasty and angry as now. He seems to feel the world is against him and is defensive and always looking for a fight. Its impossible literally at this time to have a relationship of any kind with him. Any insight? Thanks for your help and I'm sorry this sounds rambling!

Answer
Debbie,
    Thank you for the follow-up and for the added information about the situation.

    I agree that things are best "as is" - going through with the divorce, he's out of the house, etc.  He has not "hit bottom" which means he begins to sense he is losing more than he is gaining by keeping up the drinking behaviors.

    He will need to survive on his own as he sinks deeper and deeper.  He has probably lied to the evaluator who has no idea of his real problem. Unless the evaluator is given the truth he has no way of making a good judgement on someone's real situation.  It does not sound like your husband is ready to surrender and turn over a new leaf.  Until he seeks treatment because he wants to and stops the blame game on any one else having a drink or two, he is simply not ready to quit the denial.

    I will pray for him and hope that he will one day see how he is not being the father that the children need (nor the husband you need him to be) and that a change is necessary now and not later.  But the truth of the matter is he may die an active alcoholic who will never see that he matters to someone else and he does have responsibilities.

    As far as the insurances and the treatment facilities go, I suggest that you let that resentment go as you have no control over the matter.  It angers me as well how some people are denied the treatment that they need because of the blindness of some of the people evaluating and the insurances that control the $$.

   Stay the course.  I know too many people who have followed your plan and they have not regretted it one bit.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde