Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/9/2009

Question
Good Morning,

I will apologize for the length this in advance. I cannot think of any way of asking my questions without giving this background. I am divorced and remarried-together we have five children. We each had a boy and a girl from a previous marriage and we have a young son together. [A midlife gift]. I am writing today in regard to my oldest son, he is 29. Until about two years ago, he was a very gifted sports journalist, one of the youngest. He quit his job and moved in with us over a year and a half ago. Things were not good from the beginning, we knew that something was definately wrong. About a year ago we finally got him to see a Dr and he was diagnosed with depression and SAD. We did everything to help him. He has been on several different meds, to no avail. About four months ago we were forced to call the police and have him committed to our local mental health unit as he had tried to slit his wrists, which we stopped him from initially, but he had kept trying most of the night. He is a big man, far bigger than my husband and we were frightened that he was going to be able to physically do himself harm because he was so much stronger. It was at this time that we found out he also had a drinking problem. The Dr. in the emergency room informed us that his blood alcohol level was .326 at the time of his admission and we know that he hadn't had a drink for at least six hours as we had been with him constantly during this time. How could we have been so blind, so stupid, as to not see that alcohol was involved? He has had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past-he was involuntarily committed as a teenager-this was twelve years ago. I should have seen it, but I didn't. Upon finding out this information my husband and I went through his room. Upon his moving in we gave him a room and complete privacy. At this point we invaded his privacy and found a nightmare. We lost count at over 150 liquor bottles and cases upon cases of empty beer cans. We also found that he hadn't been taking his anti-depressant meds correctly and he had been abusing others. Wondering where he got the money for the alcohol, we did some investigating and found that he has stolen a great deal of money from us. While he was still in the hospital we told him that he had to join AA or go into rehab, these were conditions of allowing him to return to our home. He promised, but didn't carry through. We kept believing the lies that he was just preparing himself or trying to find the right program. He has been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist throughout the last year and a half, but I suspected that he had never completely told either the truth. I contacted his counselor and told her what was going on, finding out that he hadn't told her or the Dr. about his drinking. She suggested a dual dependency program. My son went to two meetings. The drinking began shortly after his return from the hospital [they only kept him 72 hours] and has never stopped. In fact it became increasingly worse as he felt he didn't need to hide it anymore. A few weeks ago my husband and I sat him down and explained that we had reached our breaking point. That we had dealt with as much as we could for far too long. Too many sleepless nights and phone calls at work due to delusions and hallucinations, which we found out were due to alcohol withdrawls. When he drank he would become angry and smug. Completely confident that he was the only person that knew anything and if you were negative in any way with him, furniture was thrown, doors were broken, rooms left in chaos, on and on. All this with a "You're not going to do anything about it because you know I won't live anywhere else" attitude. He said this quite often, both when drunk and sober. We were taking absolutely no more. We had felt that we were supporting him mentally, physically, emotionally and financially-when in fact we had come to realize that we were only enabling him. We had deluded ourselves with the thought that we were dealing with the mental illness only, completely unaware of the alcohol involved until a few months ago. However, recently our most overwhelming concern had become that of our youngest son, who is ten. We had tried to shelter him from as much as possible but had noticed a marked change of character. A once open, caring and loving child had become moody and withdrawn. Preferring to spend many hours alone rather than with us. I awoke the very next morning after our talk and I found my oldest in the kitchen, so drunk that he couldn't stand without swaying. I just looked at him, shook my head and calmly asked him to please go to bed and sleep it off. He knew by the tone of my voice and lack of reaction that he had done this for the last time. He went into his room and came out a few minutes later saying that he had taken a handful of pills and he "probably needed to go to the hospital". I drove him to the hospital and my husband met me there. He was admitted to the mental health unit for overnight observation. I came home and made arrangements for his father to take him in upon release. We knew that he was adament about never wanting to live with his father. We felt that he would be forced into agreeing to go into a treatment program. His father picked him up and drove him to his grandparents home and dropped him off. {His father and grandparents live several hours away}. My ex-inlaws are wonderful people. They have been exceedingly kind and loving grandparents and would do everything for anyone, especially their grandchildren. I feel horrible that they are now dealing with my son. They are elderly and in poor health, they should both be taking life very easy right now. I feel like I have turned my back on my oldest, neglected my youngest and inflicted my responsibility on my ex-inlaws. I don't want to enable him as I do understand that he needs to be responsible and to admit his problem, but on the other hand I cannot stand what he is doing to his grandparents. He picked up there where he left off here. When he is drunk we receive abusive and threatening phone calls day and night, and we know from experience what he is doing there. We cannot allow him to move back in as WE cannot take anymore, how did we expect our 10 year old to? He has suffered more than enough. My questions are random, please forgive this as well. What options do we have as far as our oldest's living situation? We have been told by an attorney that we could have him committed but after 48 hours he is free to walk out, which he would do and go right back to his grandparents. Frankly, we don't have the money to hire an attorney for a battle that we would lose. What he hasn't stolen we have spent trying to help him. IS there anything we can do? Was not letting him come back here the right thing to do, or did we just make everything worse? How should I broach the subject of alcoholism with our youngest, trying to explain what has and is happening, or should we? Should we wait until he asks us? What is he old enough to understand, how much do we tell him? What can be done for my oldest? What can I do? I am at such a loss as to how to proceed with so many different issues. I am not even going to ask how to help my marriage. My husband has taken as much as he can. He has always loved and supported all of the children. Has been there every step of the way through everything, but since the phone calls started he is done with my oldest. The threats and abuse were the last straw for him. Please, any wisdom or guidance will be much appreciated.

Thank you so very much,
Rebecca

Answer
Hi Rebecca,

First let me tell you that letting your son come back to the house was the right thing to do. He's your son and you never could have known the extent of his problems. It seems that you've done everything you could, but you can't let this child damage the family.

It would be helpful for you and your husband to go to Al-Anon meetings. These meetings are for families of alcoholics, and all the members are going through the same thing. You will not only get an understanding of the situation, but they will be supportive.

Your youngest son is old enough to understand everything, so explain it. Children start experimenting with alcohol and drugs at a very early age.  Talk about it and then bring in what's going on in the family.

Here's some information:
http://www untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholism.html

The way to start the conversation is to ask him if he has any questions about your eldest.
It's important to tell him about the psychiatric problem. You don't have to get into it, just tell him that he's sick.

It's better to answer his questions, because he's formulating his  opinions anyway.

If your son needs a residence, it might be helpful to bring in Social Services. As he's been seen by a psychiatrist, he may be eligible for placement. Not easy I know, but you have to step out of the situation.

Hope this information is helpful!

Thank you for writing All Experts,

Lots of luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com