Expert: Druideck - 3/29/2009

Question
I have been married for 4 years. My husbands family has all be to AA. This has been an on going issue. Almost every single time we fight it is because he drinks. He has tried to quit on his own, but wasn't successful. It has been a major strain on our marriage. I know he loves me and is willing to change, but he says it is a pride thing and doesn't want to admit he has a problem. It is very hard for me to trust him because he doesn't do as well if I'm not there to babysit him. Just recently I left for the weekend to visit my parents and the day I left that very night he was at the bar drinking. The following night he was at the bar drinking again and then went to a house and stayed the night (with guys and girls!)I trust him that nothing happened, but I think he would have had better judgement if he wouldn't have been drinking. I hate who he becomes when he drinks. I don't know how to get him to get help. I think our marriage will not last if things do not change. I'm tired of getting hurt then hearing his apologies the next time and then it happens all over again. I know he CAN stop because he was in Iraq for 15 months and wasnt allowd to drink, but the second he got home he was drinking. Please help me. I need advice on what to do. Thank you very much.

Answer
sam,

the way you and he behave has become
a pattern. He is like a bad child
and you feel responsible
for him. You are not responsible to
babysit him or control him or
keep an eye on him, he is an adult
or supposed to be.

I believe he is using the "pride" thing as an excuse
to keep drinking. If he really wanted
to stop he would give up all the excuses.
The reason he cannot quit on his
own is because he is becoming dependent
on alcohol. He will need to get help
if he intends to really quit.

Another problem is that you think he wants
to quit drinking yet he is taking no
serious steps to do that.

The next time he drinks let him experience
all the full consequences of his actions.
Don't complain, don't console, don't
help in any way to soften the negative outcomes.
If you do you are supporting his drinking
and become an "enabler"

You are setting yourself up when
you extract promises from him.

He fails and then you are hurt
so he apologizes over and over
and then you are back in control
again until he repeats this.

Everytime he is "bad" you get
to be in charge again, correct?
This pattern is part of needing
to control things.

Let go and let him be in charge
of everything he does so he
cannot blame you and will
have to eventually see
it is him that needs to
get help for his drinking
problems.

If you keep playing the game he
will too. Remember when you feel
like changing him you are
practising your own need for
controlling the uncontrollable.