Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/2/2009

Question
I need help... I met a man in a 28 day treatment program and we have become good friends. I was there for marijuana, he was there for severe alcohol abuse. I have been doing faily well, and have grown accustomed to talking to him each night on the phone. He graduated the program a week after me. Since he has graduated he told me he s having a lot of cravings and has been feeling like he is BUDDing (building up to drink or drug). Then he stopped calling, stopped answering, and stopped coming to the meetings. I know he is on the edge of using again, and i know i can't make him better... but i have developed feelings for him regardless, and i find myself in a terrible state because of this development. I'm becoming obsessive... calling and texting him and he is not responding. I don't know what to do... should i go to his place and see if he is ok, if i can talk to him? Should i forget about him and try to move on? I feel very strongly for this man... and i want him to be ok... i can't stop thinking about it. What do i do?

Answer
Hi Angie,

Although both of you were in treatment together, there's no guarantee of recovery. To recover, you have to make many changes in your life without drink or drugs.

It seems that this guy has gone back to drinking. He may return to the meetings or he may not, but as you know, no one can stop another person from drinking.

In a treatment program, the residents can form very close friendships because everyone is together and share similar stories. However, by being friends with anyone new to sobriety, when you are new to sobriety yourself, can only make you weaker. Keep going to meetings and get yourself a sponsor. You can confide in her and she can help you with this issue.

Here's a link that may be helpful.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

Codependent relationships are very frequent with alcoholic/addicts.

It seems that you're obsessing about this man. Now that you're not smoking, you have more anxiety which is generalizing into this new relationship.

Focus on your sobriety and the AA program. This guy will resurface if he gets his act together.  If not, you will be stronger and you'll have moved on.  Healthy people will come into your life.

Not easy, I know. But you deserve a healthy relationship.

Hope this information is helpful,
Thanks for contacting All Experts,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com