Expert: Clyde - 3/26/2009

Question
My 50ish husband has been sober for 26 years which was prior to our marriage.  He has always had an anger management issue - flash point temper at times - blow up at small things etc.  I have noticed now a definite cycle.  He can be great and then he starts the cycle into angry and angrier, I can do nothing right, I am horrible, I am an awful parent, I am a terrible person and everything is my fault in the world, I do everything wrong and the world would be better if only I would do things right/better etc.  He stays in this terrible place of terrible rage, screaming and yelling following me around the house yelling at me, in my face, etc sometimes for several days on end and occasionally longer.  He also has a terrible need to control during these times.  Lately he has been demanding that I go to alanon meetings although he had not been to a 12 step meeting of any kind in probably years.  According to him "I am exhibiting old behavior"  therefore I am so in need of alanon meeting, etc.  Then he seems to finally cycle out after a while.  Is this typical of alcoholism/addiction or is it something else.  He had two alcoholic parents and has told me he was abused but gave no specifics about the abuse.  It is like living in a war zone and I am contemplating leaving him even though we have two children.  For now I try to stay out of way and just hope nothing sets him off.  Are we talking dry drunk here or something else?

Answer
Yvette,
    Thank you for your questions and for explaining the behaviors you are seeing in him.

    Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it does not matter whether one is drinking or not -- it is actually a "thinking" thing rather than a "drinking" thing.

    If your husband never worked the 12 steps (which it would appear that he did not), then his behaviors  would never have changed.  The program tells a recovering alcoholic what is not the best it can be in themselves, not others, and it gives us the living plan to be that better person.  Anytime he takes your inventory (tells you what is wrong with you) he is really seeing his own that he needs to correct.  He has projected his issues on to you.

    I can offer you little in the way of diagnosis of his issues but what you are seeing is a failure on his part to change.  Unless he is willing to get back to AA and work a serious program he will continue to cycle in and out of these rages.  The rage cycle occurs when enough stress and anxiety and frustration builds up and needs to be released.  A program-working individual releases this stuff gradually as it occurs so that it does not build to explosive proportions.

     I might suggest that ALanon would be a good thing for you -- not for your progress initially, but to learn more about how to cope with his untreated alcoholism.  You'd meet good folks who could be good support when he is out of control.

     I hope this helps and write again if I may be of nay further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde