Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/27/2009

Question
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.  I don't know if I should
feel hypocritical because when I met him, he drank a lot so I would drink all
the time with him.  But I couldn't really keep up with him and I started getting
really sick so I quit drinking.  But he is still going at it.  I noticed when I
stopped drinking that a lot of our problems had stemmed from either one or
both of us being drunk.  We would argue more and both become angry easily.
He says really mean and hurtful things when he is drunk, like how he could
go out and find any girl he wanted, but he is faithful to me, so I should
appreciate that. With each mean thing he says, it causes a huge argument.  
But then the next day he will ALWAYS say, "Are you still mad about last night?
You shouldn't be mad, I was just drunk, you know I don't mean the stupid
things I say when I am drunk." It has been probably over half a year now
since I stopped and I tried talking to him about it.  I have told him that
alcohol is a depressant and that might be why he is so down all the time, but
he just gets defensive.  I noticed that when he is hung over (which is a lot of
the time) he is grumpy for the whole day and that leads to us arguing.  I have
tried to ask him if alcohol is more important than me and he says "of course
not". But then he breaks his promises and lies to me and drinks just as much,
he is just sneakier about it now. Also when we have an argument about him
drinking, he always calls these certain friends of his that think I am too
controlling, that always have alcohol, and always encourage him to drink. And
at the end of every argument he says, "But I have always been like this, you
are the one who has changed." On days when he says he is going to go get
liquor I ask him to just get beer instead but he won't, then he will say, "Come
on, I haven't had a drink all week." But it isn't for lack of trying, he is poor,
but the second he gets ten dollars he is at the liquor store, or he calls up
those friends of his. Also, I think he has started drinking a bit less since I
have seriously talked to him about it, but ever since I realized it was such a
huge problem in our relationship, I get REALLY upset when I just see him with
one drink or one beer, cause I know it will probably lead to more. I guess I
feel like I can't pressure him more to stop, because I drank as much with him
before. I hate that I can't control my emotions when I see him with a drink in
his hands. Should I quit trying to get him to cut back? I feel like it is seriously
damaging our relationship but I have tried everything. I even tried breaking
up with him but I missed him so much, I just wanted to be around him. I feel
needy and I feel useless in trying to change him, but I don't think it could go
on with him drinking all the time. But I have experienced that I am not happy
without him. He refuses to try AA. Is there anything I could do? How do I deal
with this? It tears up my insides when I see him with a bottle in his hands. It
is all wearing me down.

Thanks so much for your help,

Julia

Answer
Hi Julia,

It sounds like your boyfriend is in denial, but he has a drinking problem. The first thing you have to do is to stop enabling him. You should stand firm and not feel sorry for him. You should never buy him alcohol of any kind or give him money.

An alcohol can drive you crazy! Demand that he goes to AA or that you will have to break up.

It sounds like you're in a codependent relationship with this guy, so it's particularly hard for you to leave. Here's a link that can help you out:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/how-to-break-up.html

There are other pages on codependency on the site that can help as well.

I also recommend Melanie Beatie's book, Codependent No More. It explains it all.

Hope this information is helpful.

Thank you for writing All Experts

Lots of luck,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com