Expert: Beverley Glazer - 3/2/2009

Question
Hi there - I have looked over the site for this particular situation, and not finding it, I'll go ahead and ask.

I'm 33, my wife is 29.  We met at a bar ten years ago, partied like rock stars for years, and got married 6 years ago.  Throughout the past 10 years, I've done stupid things after drinking (like not coming home until 4-5am, not wanting to argue with her about my drinking and just leave the house, got pulled over and got an open container ticket, etc.), but these have all been in years' past.  The most recent thing happened just before Thanksgiving 2008, where I left her car after an argument, miles from my house, and walked three miles in 20-degree weather to get home.  

We've always argued about my drinking, always.  Mostly, it's because she knows my father is an alcoholic, my brother drinks as much as I do, etc.  She doesn't want to raise a child in that environment.  

Well, following that incredible argument, in which I left to live with my brother for a week, to save our marriage we made an agreement that we BOTH would not drink unless 1. it was agreed-upon beforehand, 2. we would both be there drinking together, and 3. it was in extreme special occasions and in extreme moderation.  Well, this last weekend, I had a couple beers with friends in my hometown, and somebody ratted me out...

Look, it's not that I intentionally lied to her about drinking, but I just wanted to avoid another fight.  She already knew the truth, but was testing me.  She sees me having four beers over the course of four hours with my friends as a blatant slap in her face, and that I obviously chose drinking over my marriage.  Now she's not sure what she's going to do about it, but divorce is definitely in the cards.

Somebody please help me think this one out - I'm not looking for praise, I'm not looking for grief, I'm not looking for forgiveness.  I'm not sure why she's SO up in arms about this (obviously the lying plays a huge part), when it was in a controlled environment, I was with friends, I only have a few, and I didn't drive home.

I haven't had more than a six-pack or more than a couple glasses of wine since before Thanksgiving, per our agreement, and things have been FINE (we’re talking now over three months)!  She has serious trust issues because of all the things that have happened in the past, but I've worked SO hard for her to get over those by NOT doing them!

What say ye? Thanks.

Answer
Hi Dan,

The thing about alcoholism is that you develop  tolerance to it and you're able to  consume a lot before you get visibly 'drunk'.

Some people don't believe they have a problem because they don't drink during the week, and binge on the weekends. Others drink occasionally, but when they do, they drink to get drunk. Some drink every day. All of them can be alcoholics.

Here's a test that can help you:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

If you have cravings to drink, find AA meetings in your area and get yourself a sponsor. You can also find an addiction counselor who will also give you relapse prevention techniques. There's also Recovery Coaching, which is done by phone or on the computer. I use Skype and have found this to be very effective.

Your wife is very upset and although things seem better, she may not trust your drinking habits for a very long time - just keep at it and get the help you need. It seems both of you are committed to this marriage.

Hope this information is helpful,
Thanks for asking All Experts

Best of luck!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com