Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/15/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Todd,
My husband has been drinking for perhaps almost 30 years. When he drinks we've agreed that I am to stay locked in the room because he has been extremely abusive physically. I've gotten up in the morning and have found food all over the floor or the couch. On a few occasions, he's peed all over some cookware, and on a pile of clothes. I've also found things opened that he was apparently eating like raw fish, a bag of flour, and once liquid soap. In the morning he has no recollection of having done that. We've fought so many times over his drinking, I finally just stopped bugging him. I agreed not to hassle him over it, but it hurts. He works nights and when he gets home in the morning will lock himself up in the room, and we don't see him til he just about has to go to work. He says that with his hours he can't get help. He says that he wishes he could stop but he KNOWS he can't, so he can't promise me that. When he's sober, he's a really wonderful, caring man, and that's spiritually, too. I find myself resenting him, completely disillusioned by him, that I sometimes wonder if I even love him. I'm physically disgusted with him at times, and find it hard to respect him. I keep praying he'll quit, but it's so hard not to lose heart. It makes me sick everytime I think about it. How do I get through to him? And where do I go for support? I'm unnaturally shy, and don't do well around other people, but I need help. I can't take this anymore. I would appreciate ANY advice you could give me. I just really don't want to be alone anymore.
Jeannette

ANSWER: Hi Jeannette,

Beverley here--

You're husband is using the night shift as an excuse not to get help and  to continue to drink. Don't allow it. He's killing himself with his addiction and destroying you as well.

Tell him that you love him, but you can't go on living like this. Look up the AA meetings in your area. There are afternoon and morning meetings as well as weekend meetings. He doesn't have any excuse not to go. Don't give him an option.

He also has to keep on going to meetings and eventually get a sponsor to talk to and do the 12 steps. These are the steps:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

There's no logic with an alcoholic because he has a love/hate relationship with drink. So stand firm.

For yourself: Check out the Al Anon meeting in your area as well. These are 12 step groups for families of alcoholics. Don't worry about being shy. Just walk in and stay in the back. You will not be forced to talk but it will help you to listen.

Slowly you'll get used to the members and you'll find them very supportive. Don't worry. Everyone in the room is in the same boat and they will understand.

Hope this is helpful,
Thank you for writing All Experts

Best of luck,

Beverley Glazer
http:www.untwist-your-thinking.com




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I appreciate your help, but as much as we got into it, all I got out of it was a "compromise" and AA wouldn't work for me because "I don't see myself standing in front of everybody saying all this. It's just not me. I'll just cut down so as not to scare you." And where I see that working for a week or two, I don't see it lasting. In the meantime, my feelings towards him seemed to have cooled down. I want my marriage to withstand these problems, but I don't know if my heart could take this anymore. And I've told him that.All I'm getting from him is "I'm trying. I really am. " He's doing this trial thing, but what happens when it doesn't work out, as I know it won't. What do I say? He's made it sound that he's trying his best, and that our marriage matters to him, but that I'm the one that's giving up on us. And I guess in a way, to be honest with myself, I don't know if I want to work it out with him anymore. I've lost all respect for him. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm sick of his drinking and that I don't want our marriage to fall apart. But I'm even wondering if I even love him enough sometimes. How do I get past that? How do I deal with the "compromise" and when this trial period is over? I'd appreciate your input.
Jeannette

Answer
Hi again Jeannette,

Your husband doesn't seem to want to change. He's just trying to keep the peace for the sake of the marriage. He also doesn't have to talk in the meetings. He can listen - and relate. Many people have lost everything and if it was not for you, he probably would be one of them.

It sounds like the two of you are in a codependent relationship as well. This is very hard. And the last thing you want to do is break up the marriage in the first place.  This info is good for starters:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/how-to-break-up.html

The first thing that you must do is to put more energy into yourself, because he's just driving you crazy. Go to Al Anon meetings. These meetings are for family members of alcoholic/addicts and they'll be very supportive. You'll also see to how other members handle what you're going through.

Stand up for yourself. Tell him there's no 'compromise' if he falls off the wagon he has to DO something. 'Trying' is nonsense he has to go to AA - no excuses. Chances are he won't go - but at least you'll know what to from that point.

Hope this is helpful, but it's not easy.

Best of luck on the journey,

Bev,
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com