Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/24/2009

Question
20 years ago I divorced my husband because of his excessive use of alcohol. 20 years later, he lost a great job, had 3 dui's, spent time in jail, lost his 2nd marriage and all his money. We reunited 7 months ago where I told him that unless he stopped drinking and started to at meetings it would never work. He has stopped drinking.
He moved down to my home for a job. One day prior to working, he was called and told the job could not be offered to him because of his driving record. Meanwhile, for the past 3 months he has lived here receiving unemployment and finding no work because of the economy.  
Although he has quit drinking, he is having a hard time dealing with reality and relationships. His brain shut down in a sense to the point he left me to get his head together. Perhaps to drink?  I have no idea?
My question is.  if a person stops drinking and has never faced reality or intimacy is there anyway this will ever be a workable relationship or should I give up while I am ahead. He was going to meetings but for the last few weeks he now feels the meetings are not helping him and says he should go but does not.

I feel I am losing my mind so any suggestions you have as to how I can either help him or help myself would be greatly appreciated.  I have tried to be a healthy support system for him but can't do it alone.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

Gina

Answer
Hello Gina,
It can be incredibly difficult to have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic with a long history of alcoholism. It is admirable that you have tried to be a healthy support for him, but more is needed as you suggest. The only chance for a healthy relationship would be if he and you both get treatment, such as counseling and/or attendance of AA (for him) and Al-Anon for you. An alcoholic needs to work aggressively on changing his negative personality traits and can do so with hard work using the 12 Steps of AA, and attending meetings, strong emphasis on the heard work. Also, anyone in a close relationship with an alcoholic, even one who may not be drinking but is merely dry and unchanged other than stopping drinking, will need support herself, such as Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for persons in a relationship with an alcoholic. So, I strongly suggest that you take care of yourself and consider making some conditions for your remaining in the relationship with this man, such as abstinence, 5 AA meetings a week, and perhaps some supplemental therapy as well. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com