Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/26/2009

Question
In regards to the 3/27/06 question with the wife and mother addict. I have a similar wife and 2 young girls. We have been separated and that was good but hard as well. I let her back into our lives only to face the pain again. I can no longer do this. Do you know how this mans life turned out. I need options because she now says she will not leave again. She was recently arrested for DV against me. So she now decided to go on antabuse only to abuse klonipin. she just changes her addictions. What can I do to get this issue resolved amicably? I am not concerned about losing my girls due to the fact she had so much public record against her showing abandonment and abuse. I hardly think the courts will grant her them. I just need her away from the kids and me. It is no longer healthy and i realize that now more than ever. Please help.

Answer
Greetings to you, Schnuelle.

You have asked:

>> In regards to the 3/27/06 question with the wife and mother addict ...
>> Do you know how this mans life turned out.

No, I do not.  I always welcome hearing from folks again, but that does not often happen.

You have written:

>> I have a similar wife and 2 young girls ...
>> I need options because she now says she will not leave again.

In my own opinion, you owe it to yourself, to your wife and to your two young daughters to find out about true alcoholism and the kind of real help your wife needs.  Whether or not she ever gets well is first dependent upon her actually having a desire to stop drinking and a willingness to do what is required in order to permanently recover, of course, but I believe it is your responsibility to be sure she actually has that opportunity she will *not* get anywhere else.

>> She was recently arrested for DV against me.

Never hesitate about calling the police whenever she becomes violent or in any way jeopardizes your daughters’ safety or well-being.

>> So she now decided to go on antabuse only to abuse klonipin.
>> she just changes her addictions.

As crazy as this might sound, that kind of thing is actually necessary in order for her to (hopefully) eventually come to see there is no human power or even medical treatment that can either remove, drive away or in any other way satisfy her insane obsession for the soothing effect of alcohol.

>> What can I do to get this issue resolved amicably?

There is no guarantee you can, but a third party might be helpful.  Maybe you can find a doctor, pastor, priest or even a female police officer who can tell you wife what time it is: Get real and get help or get out for good.  And of course, I say that with “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, in mind as something that should at least be placed in her suitcase before she can get out the door.

>> I just need her away from the [girls] and me.
>> It is no longer healthy and i realize that now more than ever.

I do understand why you say those things, and I certainly do not suggest she should be allowed to continue making your home a miserable and even dangerous place for anyone to be.  However, you need to carefully consider the “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” kinds of vows you likely made years ago and how your daughters might one day be adversely affected by the experience and memory of their own father not keeping them.  Love is not a feeling – love is an act of one’s will.  However you do whatever you decide, be sure your daughters see clear evidence of your love for their mother.  That was one of my own worst failures in days past, and my own two daughters, now in their 30s, still suffer because of it.

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.