Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/11/2009

Question
I have been dating a man for about 9 months. About 4 mos into the relationship he started acting very strange and didn't talk to me for a good week. Come to find out, he was drinking any and all day. We ended getting back together, he had stopped drinking and was doing well. In that time he also told me he has been in rehab for meth addiction (years ago). Well slowly he started drinking a few beers here and there then there was a weekend where he pulled away again (i am sure it was due to drinking) the next week he went to a concert with a friend and called me at midnight to see if I could pick him up. I could tell he was drunk and long story short it took me close to an hr to find him and also in the meantime, he got talked to by the cops. When he got back to my place he tried to get in his car and drive home. After threatening to call the cops he got out of the car and started punching and kicking the car then did the same thing to my glass door. Then he started crying and saying that he did a ton of drugs that night. Now I have seen him drunk before but never mad like that and he was so paranoid. I was so scared and I slept elsewhere that night. The next day he told me he didn't do drugs that he said that to get under my skin. At this point, that information is moot, I want to break up with him but I am so scared. I am afraid of what he will do, I am afraid he will go off the deep end. Basically for the past few months we have been together and I have acted as a security blanket for him. But this is killing me, I care for him dearly and love the man that he is when he is sober but I cant deal with the drinking and the possible drug use and the chaos that it all breaks to our relationship and ultimately my life. He now has not drank a drop but I mean the recovery road is a long one and I cant be there for it and I know that sounds bad but i have dreams and goals and I just cant do it. How is the best way to do this?

Answer
Hi Liz,
I applaud you for putting your life and wellbeing first. Alcoholics and addicts can be decent loving persons when sober and clean, but you are correct the recovery road is a long one and few make it. No one can tell you when enough is enough in such a situation. Sometimes, when a significant other tells the alcoholic that no relationship can happen unless he is clean and sober for a significant time period, say a year, the person does get sober, but there is no guarantee that sobriety will last. If you were to choose such a course, I would recommend Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: . So, if your choice is to break off the relationship for good, I think the best way to do so is to be honest about the reason (his addiction) and very clear that the relationship is over, with no hope of reconciliation. Being honest that his addiction is the cause of the end of the relationship will at least be a negative consequence for him tied to his addiction that may help him to break through his denial. In regard to your natural fear that breaking up with him may cause him to go off the deep end, I can only say that an addict or alcoholic will find an excuse to drink or drug regardless of whether you provide one by breaking up with him. You did not Cause his addiction; you cannot Control it; nor can you Cure it: these three Cs sum up the sad truth of addiction.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com