Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/13/2009

Question
Hi, and thank you for your time. I think my mother has an alcohol problem, but she is not falling into the "typical" alcoholic stereotype I have always been told about. For as long as I can remember she has had several large glasses of wine (at least 3 or 4) every single week night with dinner. On weekends she ups the ante by drinking either Martini's or scotch, sometimes both. She will have usually 2 martini's at a time then follow it up with 1 glass of wine or sometimes 1 scotch. When it's just straight scotch it is usually 2 or 3 because they put some water in it. She hardly ever gets falling down drunk (I only saw her fall once in my entire life) but she definitely gets to the point where she slurs her words. Now she is at the point where she calls me at home (drunk) and the next day cannot even remember talking to me. She never drinks during the day, always waits for PM. My father has been with her forever, and has never said a word. He does not drink a lot as he always drives, but he takes her out all the time!  If people around her are not drinking, she gives them a very hard time, especially me, by saying passive aggressive comments about me never wanting to have a good time (I do not drink because her drinking turns me off to it). If she is somewhere where there is no drinking going on at night she gets very annoyed and cannot have a good time and will leave early and go elsewhere. Can alcoholics only drink at night?  Do they have the willpower to hold off during the day?  She is now retired but held a full-time management position her entire life, never had a problem.  Our home was always immaculate, and she was/is very well put together. You would never know anything was not perfect.  Is this possible of someone who has a problem or am I jumping to conclusions?

Thank you,
Jennifer

Answer
Hello Jennifer,
Yes, unfortunately, I think your mother has a problem. Here are the indicators: a pattern of drinking to the point of intoxication; high tolerance; preoccupation with alcohol and discomfort when not drinking; a pattern of blackouts; inability to be social without alcohol; by implication, a pattern of drinking more than she intended (I doubt she intends to drink to the point of blackouts); and concern from a significant other. The fact that your mother can wait until after work to drink, merely means that she is not physically dependent on alcohol, that is, she doesn't drink all day resulting in physical dependence on alcohol, with withdrawal if she were to stop. She is psychologically dependent on alcohol as evidenced by her discomfort in non-drinking situations. It would be very difficult to convince your mother she has a problem because she can say that she only drinks after work, and that her drinking never interfered with her work. However, it is clear that her drinking is adversely affecting you. I wonder how much her drinking is hurting her relationship with your father; I would suspect that he IS concerned but would probably not admit it. Your mother's problem is most difficult to address due to her denial and the fact that she has been able to function well at least at work. I suggest attempting to talk to your father about your concerns, and anyone else in the family that may have been affected by your mother's drinking. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com