Expert: Amarnath.B - 4/10/2009

Question
Hi ,
I have a five year old who knows thinks that dad likes to "sleep" a lot. I have thought of leaving my husband of six years after a progressive worsening of his drinking habits. His and my family have intervened and tried to make him realize the extent alcohol has taken over his life. since then he drinks in the car, in the bathroom whereever he can and I can not see him. he goes into days of drunkenness does not go to work. the amount that he consumes has changed over time. He made a lot of promises of stopping , tring to stop and many other empty promises. He does not agree to the fact that only total abstienence will help. i read many other posts and I think i have become  a co-depenedent for him. My main concern is how this is going to affect my child. the main reason I am in this relationship still is only because of this. Will it better for my child and me to stay on and try fight this monster or should i move out?
please advice..
thanks

Answer
Hello VJ,

Thank you for your question.  

My heart goes out to families who get affected in an alcoholic dysfunctional relationship especially children who are affected the most.  

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your husband is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  

In an alcoholic relationship, the family (especially children) often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person/s and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  Children especially get affected the most and these behaviors start showing up later in the years.  

Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  A person will stop drinking only if he has a desire to do so Many alcoholics come into recovery after they have touched rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. Some are lucky enough to get back on their feet and start a new life with the help of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.  But others die a pitiful death, or go to jails, or worse still will end up in an asylum insane.  Your husband probably has to touch rock bottom till he actually thinks about recovery.  

Now that leaves you, your child, and your life ahead.  I suggest you move on and move on quickly.  There is no point in wasting away your and your child' precious life & future living with an alcoholic who has no desire to change.  Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.  If he refuses to change then you should change – change for your own good.

Isn’t it time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living life on life’s terms.  If things don’t work out then don’t get hurt. Give a shot at Al-Anon (a self-help group of family and friends of alcoholics).  Your perception might change after meeting people who are in the same situation as yours.

I pray that things work out well for you and your child.  And I also pray that your husband recovers before he actually touches rockbottom.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.


God bless


Baba