Expert: Clyde - 4/25/2009

Question
I'm a alcoholic going on 13 years my husband is talking about divorcing me. I love him very much. I have been to meetings, put myself in rehab. nothing is helping. what can I do?

Answer
Melissa,
    Thank you for your question.  It is not clear from your first sentence whether you have been sober for 13 years or just aware of your alcoholism for that long.  You also do not say whether you go to meetings regularly and what rehab did for you in helping you to get a handle on the damage alcohol had done in your life and learning how to live life on a different basis.

    That being said, I can not offer much except our Big Book says, "job or no job, wife [husband] or no wife [husband]' we do not drink and we remain sober.  It is not easy to work through the anxiety and hurt and fear when a marriage is breaking up but it is not your decision - it is his to make, whether he lives up to the covenant he need made between himself and God when he married you.  In my mind, that is no small decision and one I am glad that I have never made.

    Although I have been through two divorces, I did not ask for either one and I still have deep affection for my second wife who left me four years ago.  I was shocked but I did not drink and I have moved on with my life.  It has been rocky at times and scary at times but I would not change a thing now that I am four years down the road and loving life!!  It is not easy sometimes but I am so thankful that I found a way to stop drinking.

    My first wife said she did not like me after I stopped drinking!  How is that for a gift of sobriety!  Well, I guess she meant it because she did leave.  But I did not drink and I love the life that I had once the divorce was done.  My daughter and I had to work hard to develop and keep a long-distance relationship but we have done it for better than 13 years!

    I offer this to say that my program of AA shows me that I can live through anything someone may throw at me.  I hope you are working the program and attending meetings regularly and talking with a sponsor about you and how you are doing on a daily basis - not how the husband is doing or what he is doing to you.  I have been in the rooms for over 15 years and still attend almost daily.  I seek to give back what God gave me - sobriety.  I want to be there for people who are struggling with the question of how not to drink today.  That is the reason I answer questions on this forum to also be of help to people such as yourself you are seeking some answers and some help.

    I guess my answer to you is get to meetings and work on Melissa and let the husband do what he thinks he needs to do be it right or wrong.  It is not worth the anxiety because we are powerless over the spouse ultimately. Did my second wife make a mistake? - I don't know but I know I still did not want that divorce.  I just can't stop a person from doing what they are going to do.

     I hope this helps and write again if I can be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde