Expert: Clyde - 4/26/2009

Question
Hello,

I am going through a very difficult time in my life right now.  To begin with, I started dating a really great guy two years ago.  My friend who introduced me to him told me he had lost his license because he had two DUI's and that he was a recovering alcoholic.  I didn't know anything about alcoholism and still know very little.  I thought since he was recovering he would never drink again!

After about six months of dating his sister and I suspected he might be drinking a little even though he was drinking NA beer.  I thought it was okay because he knew what would happen if he did drink again and spent 3 years getting sober.  The last three months he started to get distant and started hanging around the same people he used to drink with.

A month ago he didn't come home for almost a week straight and finally he came home and looked sad and said "I have not been happy for awhile and I am leaving you."  He also told me it wasn't about the alcohol.  For the last month I have been so heartbroken and sad and blamed myself.  Recently people started telling me he has a disease and that he probably did love me (we had the greatest and closest relationship) but the alcohol was probably what made him leave.  Also, as soon as he left me he started dating this girl who is also a heavy drinker and when I called him out on it he said "It's not what you think"  I don't understand any of this...when I talk to him when he is sober he sounds so sorry that he left me and I can see it in his face that he is but if he is so sorry why is he still drinking and not wanting to be with him?  Also, I don't drink at all.

Can you help put me understand what he is thinking and how I can get over this???

Answer
Leah,
   Thank you for the explanation and for the questions.

    Alcoholism is a disease.  It is twofold - one it is physical and two, it is a mind game.  It causes one to crave the drink and yet it plays with the mind mentally and emotionally.  It is devastating for relationships.  It is said that an alcoholic has a chief problem and that is having "difficulty ever making a true bond with another human being."  You are discovering that in this relationship.

    He probably does love you and a part of him misses you but you can not fulfill all he needs - he needs to drink and you are not going to be able to fill that need.  This other girl does drink and he will be able to "use" her for a while but it will be unsuccessful as well.  It is just a matter of time.

   His three years sober were essentially what we call a "dry drunk."  He was merely not drinking but not addressing the reasons why he felt he needed to do so.  That is where the fourth and fifth steps of the program of alcoholics anonymous come in - we made a searching and fearless moral inventory or ourselves and we shared that with God and another human being.  AHA!  there it is again - another human being!  We must get honest about ourselves and the crazy thinking that goes on in the unrecovered alcoholic mind.  It is a mind game, as I have said.

   My guess would be that he never got honest and never took a look at himself to see where he was not being the very best human being he could be in relationships.  The sixth and seventh steps are steps in which we ask God to take our character defects and remove them so that we could be "of maximum service to God and our fellow human beings."  AHA!  There it is again - a human being!

   I truly feel your pain because I have seen so many people who truly care for the alcoholic but it is not returned as it should be.  He will need to "hit a bottom" and find that alcohol and his present lifestyle will eventually kill him or someone else when he drives drunk and causes an accident.

    If you want to learn more, you can attend Alanon meetings - meetings similar to AA but for the family and friends of alcoholics.  In there you would meet ladies who have been where you are right now and those who have found a new life without alcohol clouding the picture.

    My suggestion is to grieve this loss and move on.  It will be tough to finally accept this as fact but once you do you'll be free of thinking this has anything to do with you.  It doesn't.  You did not cause it; you can not control it; and you can not cure it.

    I hope this helps and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace nd Peace,
Clyde