Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/20/2009

Question
Hi.  I am 30 years old and have been watching my father deal with severe alcoholism for the past few years.  My Father has always been a drinker, but as I was growing up it seemed to be more social.  In the past couple of years he has retired and seems to be drinking on a daily basis.  My mother has started to open up and confide in me how mean he is at home when he is drinking.  She and I both have found cups and bottles of rum/vodka spread thoughout the house.  He is "sneaking" his drinking.  Pouring any type of liquor he can put his hands on into coke cans, water bottles, ect.  My mother has dumped out all of the liquor in the house and continues to find more.  Recently my sister and I went over to spend some time with my parents.  I had the opportunity to open up to my father about everything that I had noticed and told him how much we all loved him and cared about him.  He admitted to me that he did have a problem.  He refused to get help and said he was going to quit on his own.  He said he was just going to stop one day, but that all of us would be sorry that he did because he would just lock himself up in his room and not be social.  I then spoke to him about the fact that he was suffering from depression.  Once again he refused to get help and seems to think he can "fix" everything on his own.  Although the conversation did not go as well as I had hoped, I thought that maybe I had made a little bit of a difference.  My mother then gave him a letter from her about how she felt.  She  let out everything that she had been keeping inside her about his alcoholism, but also offered all of the love and support that she could.  He ignored the letter.  When she brought it up he said that he hated it and that he threw it away.  This was a couple of months ago.  Since then he continues to drink on what seems like a daily basis.  My mother and Father seem to be growing further apart.  He is now accusing HER of taking drugs and cheating on him which is completely delusional.  My mother will never leave him because she is one to truly believe in the "til death do us part".  None of us know where to go from here.  He has all of the love and support in the world, but how can you make someone get help when they refuse?

Answer
Greetings to you, Mary.

You have asked (and if I might presume to insert a word):

>> How do I [effectively] approach my father about his drinking?
>> ... how can you make someone get help when they refuse?

The short answer here is that you cannot, yet I hope to offer you at least a little more to ponder than just that.

First, try to fully shift your focus away from your father’s drinking, as such, and toward his alcoholism (such as the leaning in your second question).  Then, begin changing “how can you make someone get help” into something more like how to try to make sure help is ready for him whenever he might finally be ready for help ... and now please allow me to try to add some perspective to that.

You have written:

>> My Father has always been a drinker, but as I was growing up it seemed to be more social.

It might well have been, and maybe he has never experienced the out-of-control part of alcoholism where one drink physically demands another and the alcoholic drinks far more than he or she ever intended ... or, maybe that is something he is experiencing right now.  Take a look at the from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“Moderate [non-alcoholic] drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor [all alcohol] entirely if they have good reason for it.  They can take it or leave it alone.
“Then we have a certain type of hard drinker.  He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally.  It may cause him to die a few years before his time.  [But if] a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor - becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
“But what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
“Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control.  He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking.  He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He is seldom mildly intoxicated.  He is always more or less insanely drunk.  His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little.  He may be one of the finest fellows in the world.  Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social.  He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept.  He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish.  He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him.  He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.  He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around.  Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before.  If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe.  As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work.  Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again.  Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off.  Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.
“This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary.  But this description should identify him roughly.” (pages 20-22)

>> In the past couple of years he has retired and seems to be drinking on a daily basis.

In some cases, certain alcoholics have “buckled down” or whatever and have either quit altogether for a time or have at least forced themselves to drink with control during their business lives, but then ...

“... Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle.  In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated.  He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips to the hospital meantime.  Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not.  Every means of solving his problem which money could buy was at his disposal.  Every attempt failed.  Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly and was dead within four years.” (pages 32-33)

Your father’s overall case does not sound that extreme, but I can guarantee you this line will ultimately fit him precisely if he ever truly tries to stop:

“... gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not.”

>> He admitted to me that he did have a problem.

In saying that, he might have just been avoiding an argument with you, or maybe he actually does realize there is something abnormal about his drinking.  More than likely, however, he has yet to discover the “cannot quit” element of alcoholism:

“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (page 34)

And of course, your own report bears evidence that he at least wants you to believe he can quit if he wants to:

>> He refused to get help and said he was going to quit on his own.
>> He said he was just going to stop one day ...

It could be said it is the alcoholic’s ego that ultimately kills him.

>> ... but that all of us would be sorry that he did because he would just lock himself up in his room and not be social.

Are you one who is inclined to smilingly-respectfully let him know you are not prone to being intimidated by stompie-footies?!  It is probably best to say nothing like that, but please do watch out for being held hostage by a drunk-or-sober, self-pitying, attention-grabbing pouter.  We alcoholics can be like that.

>> I then spoke to him about the fact that he was suffering from depression.
>> Once again he refused to get help and seems to think he can "fix" everything on his own.

He might actually believe that, or maybe he believes manhood demands somehow fixing oneself or whatever.  But down inside, those words might sound empty even to him.

>> I thought that maybe I had made a little bit of a difference.
>> My mother then gave him a letter ...
>> He ignored the letter ... threw it away.

Alcoholics will do almost anything to escape reality and/or to avoid having to deal with it, and I do grieve for your mother.  As best you can, comfort her.

>> He is now accusing HER of taking drugs and cheating on him which is completely delusional.

Just like the “lock himself up in his room” threat, but from a different angle, he is attempting to manipulate her into anger so he can use her actions to try to help justify more of his own behaviour.  

>> None of us know where to go from here.

Reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, is almost always a good place to begin, and that is what I suggest ... and keep writing as often or as much as you wish.

Joseph Lee O.