Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/7/2009

Question
I'm looking for some straight forward advice with how to handle a situation that isn't directly affecting me.  I have a great friend; early 20's of age, that is going to med school roughly 400 miles from her home.  Her mother is a NON ABUSIVE alcoholic of many years but the real concern is her two younger sisters living with their real mother and step-father.  The drinking is getting worse and worse while the marriage as I'm told is on the last notch and ready to be another divorce case because of the alcoholism.  I believe this is the worst thing that could happen for everyone's well-being, especially the mother and two girls, 11 and 14. The two girls cry many nights wanting to move away to their sister's place making life very difficult for my friend, as she's pursued her life long dream and has worked very hard to be where she's at today.  She's on the verge of quitting med school to be with her sister's and be the "mother" the two girls deserve...

What advice can I pass along to my friend to sooth her and her younger sister's unfortunate situation, which is her first and foremost concern. A very broad topic I know but anything to help would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hello,
Individuals from an alcoholic home who are adults and out of the home, but concerned about their younger siblings still in the alcoholic environment, are, as you suggest, in an extremely difficult and painful situation. Even though you stress that the mother is a non-abusive alcoholic, the stress of living in an alcoholic environment and the strife inherent in a divorce, are, of course, traumatic to the children.  Addressing your friend's situation first: Though she is torn between her career and her desire to help her siblings, I counsel your friend that she take care of herself emotionally and continue to pursue her education, while at the same time attempting to provide as much support for her sisters as possible from a distance. These websites will give her a lot of information about the impact of her mother's alcoholism on her and her siblings (termed children of alcoholics): http://www.adultchildren.org/ and http://www.nacoa.net/ These sites give information about the disease of alcoholism their mother has, as well as support (there are chat rooms for online support). Your friend can also provide support to her sisters by phone, email, text messaging, and deliver a consistent positive, loving, and supportive message to her younger sisters. The research is clear that children in an alcoholic home can survive and do well as long as they have a caring, loving adult in their lives; while it may be more difficult to do long distance, I believe that your friend can provide important support. She can also strongly encourage her sisters to seek support for children of alcoholics at school, if available, and to be involved in as many pro-social activities after school as possible (sports, clubs, dancing, etc.). There is a beautiful download that your friend can access from this site: http://www.nacoa.net/ called the Kit for Early Childhood Professionals, especially the "Seven Cs" that she can teach her younger sisters. I hope that this information will be helpful to your friend and her sisters.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com