Expert: Beverley Glazer - 4/25/2009

Question
I have been married for 25 years to an alcoholic. I am also an alcoholic, but not in denial and have not had a drink in 4 months.  I'm afraid to leave him because I am 62 years old.  My husband is getting worse or am I just more aware of it since I don't drink anymore. He used to be a friendly drunk, but lately he shows a lot of rage.  He refuses to get help.  I have read enough to know that this is progressive.  He is not physically abusive to me, but very verbally abusive to me.  He is very self- absorbed. He was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and is on a lot of different medications, mixes them with alcohol and occasionally smokes pot.  I don't know how to live with him and am afraid to live without him as I have become isolated from friends and my family is far away.  He has left me three times in the last year.  Came home today with some story about how the car was damaged - someone else's fault, of course.  He has had two DUI's and continues reckless behavior.  I am worried about staying with him and I am afraid to leave.  He talks non-stop and never listens to what I have to say.  That may have to do with the medications he is on or others that I may not know about.  He i also a habitual liar.  What can I do at such a late age to feel comfortable with my self to continue to keep sober and move on - it's scary!

Answer
Hi Emily,

First let me congratulate you on 4 months of sobriety - not easy.

What you're going through right now is very common, when one alcoholic in the couple chooses to straighten up and the other refuses

What is also common is that most alcoholic/addicts get into codependent relationships, and if you're a codependent it's particularly difficult to get out.

This page may help you:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/getting-over-relationships.html

There are other pages on the site that can help you as well.

It may be helpful to go to AA meetings and when you're ready to discuss it, talk about your problem with your husband's addiction as well.

Al Anon is a 12-step community which is for family members of alcoholics. The members will be helpful. But I suggest AA right now because your husband's behavior is an additional pressure for your relapse. In AA language, you must first 'take care of number 1".

Hope this info is helpful,
Thank you for asking All Experts,

Lots of luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com