Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 4/4/2009

Question
we meet at job 6 years ago, he moved to my apartment and we start dating. we were drinking 2 beers after work, but then i noticed he start with a six pack just for himself. i thought that maybe was ok. then we got marry, and then we look for a child.once our daughter born, it change the whole thhing. he never seemed interested coming earlier to home, no shopping together, he was alway tired, and what i didnt know was that he were drinking at home, meanwhile i was at park with the baby or shopping. always eating 11 pm, so he can drink before, getting more irritated, frustated, not responsible, drinking when leaving his job and driving like that, smashing the fist to the door or walls, screaming and cursing, demanding atention for him, and sex. this part was so dramatically weird, because i felt that he was really just "using me", like if i was so tired, he didnt care.
things wnet better in his job, but not changing at home. he dissapear 1 day, and cause he decide to get a htel room and drink, cause knew he cantdrive back.
i never thought my husband was an alcoholic, until i moved to Atlanta for a job offer. he decide with me that will be my chance and that he could reach me at atlanta afetr 6 months, cause needs to stay at hotel until get a new job in atlanta. well, he basically moved to his job and drink daily very heavy, not eating for days. he called every night before going t drink. then i had to go to maryland to see him at a ER cause almost were found dead. icouldnt beleive it. he went transfer to NOVA for detox and he came so change, tlking about God and outpatient program, but.... he needs a car. so i bought a car... big mistake. he crished the car 2 weeks after and i have to go again back for him, and i put him in er again, and 1 more detox, that time i lied to him and brought him with me to atlanta just to see the baby. my husband lost 30 lb. and look lik an old guy sick. the baby helped a lot... he remembered good things and he tried working out at gym, and working like a cook in a friends restaurant. he was drinking daily 3 -4 cans of malt beer, and recovered weight. not obstant no responsabilty and blaming me cause he could get a good job andwarning me always that he was going back t maryland. any way, he lost a seocnd job last week, disappeared, took 150 from account, meanwhile i reported him missing. i remebered catching him with a green drug, i thin marihuana, and he told me that was nt going to use, and buy from a guy from his job. so i though he was dead, cause i couldnt reach him neither by phone.  he showed up 2 days ago at midnight. of course i didnt open the door, and i changed locks day before. he told me that almost die night before and he was just needing to sleep, he didnt eat for 3 days. i called 911 and reported that he was going to kill himself. I admited that i fabricate that, but i thought was the best thing to say in order they take him to a hospital for detox. so afetr 20 hr in the hospital i got teh true. he left the house last monday and he meet a coworker drogadit and went to a place where smoked no stopping for 3 days, and he try a rock or crack and that thing make his heart speed up and he faint. then he realized he almost die. this is what i did, i convinced him for detox and using the insurance take him to a good hospital without homeless patients. he is there now, but he was asking me about to return. i told him that he can;t come back because it was enought to admit to live with an alcoholic, and force my daughter of 3 years old to live with that also, and now drugs???/ no way. my house is a free drug place. so i told him he needs to sigh and will to go inpatiet rehab, cause he never did the outpatient in almost 2 years. if he doesnt i told him and i will do is look for a shelter. he is claming that he cant live at stree like a dog, but again i always answered that i am looking the best for the baby. and if he get the inpatient and later shelter, then he can get a job and then an apartment,  we can meet in a park or cinema with our daughter but not living together
i will see him tomorrow, but and the phone he sound sad and angry, and he said "i dont know what is going on" what are you trying to do?, it scared me a little, cause seems that not willing to stay. i dont wat to divorce cause i want to give him a chance to show that he want to live wit us sorber and no drugs. but can i restrain his access to the apartment? is that going to make the things worst? he claims that is his daughter, he is american and i am a resident. i am worry sometimes that maybe he want to get her custody, but what should i do... also i am planning to go on christmats to my country with her... do i need he sign a permit? or i need just the pshyqiatric to give a constant that he is alcoholic and disable to take decision?

and finally, how can i stop crying... i am missing him, and everything rememberes me him. i just see the few good things he did. i am still in this sick love with him. shouls i better quit my job and come back to my country and dissapear??? should maybe move to another apartment???? and keep touch with him for the baby????
what happened if he doesnt go to rehab.
thanks for your answered
Rossana

Answer
Hello Rossana,
My heart goes out to you for your situation. Some of the questions you ask I cannot answer: those about keeping your husband from your apartment and about leaving the country, and custody of your child, are questions for a lawyer or your local police authorities to help you to address. The best way to handle the pain of loving an alcoholic, and to resist placing yourself and your child in harm's way by getting back together with him if he is still drinking and using, is to find support from others who understand what you are going through. You can find that support for free by attending meetings of Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic. At this website you can find the location of Al-Anon meetings near where you live: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck to you.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com