Question looking for self help I found your site, just read some petty powerful letter you wrote on the topic, becasue woman have so much emoition its very hard for them to give up on the Alcoholic Boyfriend, he really lowered my self esteem, self worth, self confidence, these are the things I have been working on, me are so logical on their emotions, he broke it off with me, which was pretty bad, didn't see that coming, even though I should of, I made excuses for his drinking to my family, denying to myself, I needed to read your atricles, becasue I thought how could he just give up what we had, but I see now how easy it was for him, I see him becasue he lives where I work, its very had to see or talk to him now, any suggestions??
Thanks Nancy
Answer Hello to you..
In my many years as a counselor I have come to understand that every approach doesn't serve everyone.....I'd suggest that this is one example where I want to show that to you..
While it is very uncomfortable, perhaps you can begin to come to a place where you don't personalize what your boyfriend said..I have no doubt that he hurt your feelings or engaged in behavior which destroyed your self esteem.....some people behave in ways which don't support them nor are they flattering to their ego..
I would like to invite you to come to a place where you realize that what he said is different from who you are....when people are in pain they tend to act out on other people...your ex said things which are really painful and thoughtless.
I would also encourage you to do some reading about alcoholism and co-dependency..perhaps you might be willing to join a therapy group, attend al-anon, or see a therapist for a few sessions...it seems that your ex did a number on your self-esteem......I don't think you can get over that in a few days,,,perhaps it might take as long to get over it as much as it took to get where you are emotionally.
It's also important to remember that you are not broken or damaged or hurt or screwed up or whatever,,,,,you simply need to learn to think differently about some things,,,,and while it will be difficult at first, you can change how you feel,,,it can be done, and I believe you can do it.
Well, in terms of feeling more secure at work, perhaps you can come to a place of realizing that you have every right to be there,,,,,that he doesn't get to make you feel bad, and that you can hold your ground,,,,,,imagine what it might be like to feel proud, strong, courageous, and brave in the face of his BS,,,,,feel what it would feel like to have that experience........create an emotional place for that experience,,,,sorta like a visualization or a meditation......create that place for yourself...and go there when you need to feel brave,,
If you take nothing else away from this email I would invite you to remember that you are not broken or damaged or bad in any way,,,you need not be ashamed or made to feel less than.....I would invite you to remember that you are a survivor, and perhaps many people before you wouldn't have lasted this far,,,perhaps you are doing better than you realize,,,,,perhaps your pain can be a springboard to help other people,,,,,,while you can't see how that might help other people at the moment, I want to assure you that it can and will......many years ago I had a friend that had a similar experience to what you describe,,,,,she was devastated,,,she would often talk about how she navigated her life,,,,she never realized that her experience was extremely helpful for other people.....and like her, I want you to remember that there is hope...if you don't believe that things will change,,,just believe that i think things will change for you....
You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out,
