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Addiction to Alcohol/moving past the Alcoholic Boyfriend

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Expert: - 4/9/2009


Question
looking for self help I found your site, just read some petty powerful letter you wrote on the topic, becasue woman have so much emoition its very hard for them to give up on the Alcoholic Boyfriend, he really lowered my self esteem, self worth, self confidence, these are the things I have been working on, me are so logical on their emotions, he broke it off with me, which was pretty bad, didn't see that coming, even though I should of, I made excuses for his drinking to my family, denying to myself, I needed to read your atricles, becasue I thought how could he just give up what we had, but I see now how easy it was for him, I see him becasue he lives where I work, its very had to see or talk to him now, any suggestions??
Thanks Nancy

Answer
Hello to you..

In my many years as a counselor I have come to understand that every approach doesn't serve everyone.....I'd suggest that this is one example where I want to show that to you..

While it is very uncomfortable, perhaps you can begin to come to a place where you don't personalize what your boyfriend said..I have no doubt that he hurt your feelings or engaged in behavior which destroyed your self esteem.....some people behave in ways which don't support them nor are they flattering to their ego..

I would like to invite you to come to a place where you realize that what he said is different from who you are....when people are in pain they tend to act out on other people...your ex said things which are really painful and thoughtless.

I would also encourage you to do some reading about alcoholism and co-dependency..perhaps you might be willing to join a therapy group, attend al-anon, or see a therapist for a few sessions...it seems that your ex did a number on your self-esteem......I don't think you can get over that in a few days,,,perhaps it might take as long to get over it as much as it took to get where you are emotionally.

It's also important to remember that you are not broken or damaged or hurt or screwed up or whatever,,,,,you simply need to learn to think differently about some things,,,,and while it will be difficult at first, you can change how you feel,,,it can be done, and I believe you can do it.

Well, in terms of feeling more secure at work, perhaps you can come to a place of realizing that you have every right to be there,,,,,that he doesn't get to make you feel bad, and that you can hold your ground,,,,,,imagine what it might be like to feel proud, strong, courageous, and brave  in the face of his BS,,,,,feel what it would feel like to have that experience........create an emotional place for that experience,,,,sorta like a visualization or a meditation......create that place for yourself...and go there when you need to feel brave,,

If you take nothing else away from this email I would invite you to remember that you are not broken or damaged or bad in any way,,,you need not be ashamed or made to feel less than.....I would invite you to remember that you are a survivor, and perhaps many people before you wouldn't have lasted this far,,,perhaps you are doing better than you realize,,,,,perhaps your pain can be a springboard to help other people,,,,,,while you can't see how that might help other people at the moment, I want to assure you that it can and will......many years ago I had a friend that had a similar experience to what you describe,,,,,she was devastated,,,she would often talk about how she navigated her life,,,,she never realized that her experience was extremely helpful for other people.....and like her, I want you to remember that there is hope...if you don't believe that things will change,,,just believe that i think things will change for you....

You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out,

Todd  

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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