Expert: Amarnath.B - 4/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: my stepfather was an alcoholic as was my grandfather.I feel that Iam a danger to other people and i am very lonely even with people.Sometimes i feel that it has just all been to much for me.I myself married a drug addict.All my perceptions of the world seem to be wrong but i do not know how to change. Please help, i feel i have a sickness and i want to get better.

ANSWER: Hello Kirstin,

Thank you for your question.  At the outset, you haven't told me much about yourself or your past to assess the situation you are in.  In any case, I will try my best.

I don't know if loneliness is a part of you from your childhood or did it surface after you got into a relationship.  Many prefer to be lonely due to a variety of reasons like low self-esteem, insecurity, fear of the unknown, low self-worth, dysfunctional families etc.  All these are childhood traits and they grow along with the person manifesting into other problems in adulthood.  One of the most prominent one is addiction.  It could be substance abuse, sex, over eating or a person could develop anti-social behaviors.

Looking at your scenario, you have mentioned about alcoholism in your family.  In an alcoholic relationship and/or families, the passive partner/member/individual often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  This is why you have the feeling of insecurity. Having been caught in the loop has made you a co-dependent and you will continue to be so unless you get into a healthy relationship with a normal person and/or seek help for your emotional problems with a counselor.  You have also mentioned about marrying a drug addict but you have not said if he is now sober or still an active addict.  In both instances[sober or still using partner], you are still caught up in the loop of addiction and addiction is a disease - a family disease.  

I suggest you try Al-Anon [affiliated to AA].  This is a self-help group of families & friends of alcoholics.  In these meetings you will meet and identify with people who have suffered or are suffering like you.  You will draw a lot of hope & strength for your own recovery.

The other most important thing is to have trust in God.  Prayer will help you change.  Always keep an open mind and be honest to yourself and others. Start loving yourself.  You are a creation of God & he loves you.  The sickness that you are talking about is only in your mind.  Start thinking positively & tell yourself that you are a very healthy person.  You are the best and there is only one YOU. Remember, meditation and prayer goes a long way in leading a very healthy life.

Kirstin, if you could tell me more about your thoughts & your feelings, your relationships past & present, may be I could be of some help.  Meanwhile, try Al-Anon & start being more positive in your outlook from now on.  

May God shower his choicest blessings in everything that you do.


Amarnath.





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thankyou Amarnath for your answer.I have made steps to joining a meeting of alanon in my area.I have a strong faith in God already.However I feel that I must help myself as the patterns that occur in my life are stronger than me.Iam unwilling to have another relationship as Iam afraid of patterns repeating themselves.I actually hate myself but I cannot explain why, its just a feeling that will not go away.My father was a very bad psychological bully yet at the time i blamed my mother and not him,I dont know why.He blamed everything on me and refused to speak to me after the age of 14.It was so weird living in a house with one member not speaking to you,we were well off and i lived at the top of the house, he would come upstairs and bully me calling me things like ugly or granny, its a bit difficult to go into detail.I only found out he was not my dad at 16 when i left home. I was also classed as a gifted child and moved up a class when i was 11, however i think i had a sort of breakdown and did not do well at school after the age of 14. I married early and it was a disaster.Then I married again and he was a drug addict I thought I could save him but ended up leaving him too.I have learned a lot from these experiences but I would like to heal the past .I now live on my own and am training to be a teacher at 42. It is time to be stronger than the past and stop it repeating itself. My father is now dead,but I hope that for my family I can change the future.Iam scared of addicts and scared of myself that i do not have the healthy basis to live a clear and true life without something going wrong, as I said before I feel that iam a danger to anyone who would love me and that Iwould just hurt them.Kirstin

Answer
Hello Kirstin,

The fact that you have decided to go along with your life in a positive manner shows how resilient you are.  You are a very strong person inside but you have failed to recognize it.  This is probably because you have been going into self-pity for a long time.  Self-condemnation is another way of self-abuse psychologically speaking.  God has made you into a beautiful person and you should acknowledge that.  Whatever has happened in your life was not your doing but destiny.  You never chose to have an abusive father neither you chose to have an addict as a husband.  So please do not emotionally beat yourself up.  There's a big world waiting out for you to explore.  Now is the time to enjoy, be happy, & peaceful.  As far as you are concerned whatever you do, do it with honesty & intergrity.  Leave the rest to your higher power.  

Kirstin, if you have any questions or concerns at any time please do not hesitate to mail me.  You can directly mail me at baba.amarnath@gmail.com.  I shall be glad to be of any help at any time.

God bless


Amarnath