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Addiction to Alcohol/social drinking OK for recovering alcoholic

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Expert: - 4/1/2009


Question
Should I trust that recovered alcoholic can drink nightly and not suffer negative effects.  My husband completed a alcoholic recovery program over a 2 year period of time. He continued to be beligerent and threatend violence as long as I lived in the house. I moved 2000 miles away because his mood swings continued to be unpredictable.  We have to see each other to support our college age children.  Recently the whole family was together for 2 full weeks and the alcoholic had at least one drink every night. I do not have alcohol in my home but the day the family arrived he went to the store and bought whiskey, beer, and wine.  He said he bought it all for me so I could enjoy a drink.  Before he gave me the gift of liquor he had opened the whiskey and drank some.  For 2 weeks he had at least 1 tall drink each night.  I don't feel comfortable when he drinks but he claims he has it under control and he drinks with the guys when he goes to sporting events.  Should I trust that he can drink nightly and never return to being the mean angry violent man he was before?

Answer
Hello to you..

I can certainly see your frustration and anguish...it seems to me that the behavior of this man (and alcoholics in general) can be maddening.

I'd like to offer a ray of sunshine, however, I am not inclined to support your husband's contention that he can drink...what he is talking about is controlled drinking, and if he completed a program he would know without exception that drinking is not possible for him...now, there are people who believe that they can moderate their drinking to the place before their drinking caused problems, however, most research does not support your husband's position...eventually people engage in behavior which once again stimulates their desire to drink alcoholically,,,if your husband was able to manage his drinking he would be the exception to the rule.

It's important to make a distinction between addiction and dependence..when you talk about addiction you need to talk about the phenomenon of craving - no craving no addiction...dependent people generally have the same sorts of problems, but they don't experience withdrawal or cravings........it's also important to remember that some people have to drink in that their brain chemistry is compromised to the point that they need to drink to be normal...some alcoholics/drug addicts feel like they have no other choice, and the reality is that as chemical dependency is largely biochemical, people who have this impaired brain chemistry will have difficulty navigating sobriety in terms of total abstinence....however, from what you are telling me your husband does not fit into this category..

I think your contention is correct and that his behavior is both erratic and abusive...I think the best thing to do is to arm yourself with knowledge, set strong boundaries, and get a lot of support for you in the form of al-anon meetings or group therapy, and a few books: The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage,,,and Marriage on the Rocks.....you'll need to figure out which books is best for you......

You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

Todd

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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