Expert: Clyde - 4/23/2009

Question
Thank you for taking the time to read my question...I'm 24 years old and I live with my boyfriend who is complete alcoholic. He's had a problem with drinking his entire life yet things really got out of hand when he took a job 45 miles away from our home and began carpooling with another alcoholic. They began drinking on the way home together and eventually began stopping at bars on the way home. Shortly after, the lies began. He would get out of work early and tell me he was heading home. Yet I would later find him passed out at home and find out that he had lied to me and was actually sitting AT the bar while he was telling me he was at home. He eventually stopped drinking with this person and for six months he stopped drinking entirely. Yet a few months ago his drinking began again. He began drinking on his way home and the lies started again. He only chooses to behave this way when he knows I will not be home, therefore he will not have to "answer" to me. He attempted to go to AA meetings but felt they "weren't for him" and that he was smarter than all of the people there and he could beat this on his own. He is also attending out-patient rehab treatment. Yet even with these resources and him claiming that he wants to quit drinking, he continues the behavior. He just got his second DUI (the first was 10 years ago). Now he believes that this DUI was exactly what he needs to snap him out of this cycle he's allowed himself to fall into. What is hard for me is that I've heard this all before. I've heard his grand claims of finally understanding how/why he needs to quit and his promises that he won't hurt me or himself anymore and yet 1-2 weeks later we're back where we started. I've considered leaving more times than I can count but I always convince myself to stay because when he isn't drunk, he is the man that I love and I remember how wonderful things used to be in our life. Not to mention that the selfish part of me likes our house and wants to stay in our home but I can't afford it alone so I will have to be the one that leaves. I'm seeing a counselor and I'm well aware of my codepency issues and I am trying very hard to work through them but it isn't easy. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I feel alone and lost. Plus I'm taunted by the "what if" factors. What if he gets better this time? What if he IS really trying but needs my support? I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. How can I stay in a relationship where I have zero trust in the other person and I rarely believe a single word out of his mouth? Hopefully you can shed some unbiased light on the situation. Thank you so much for your time.

Answer
AJ,
   Thank you for your questions and for the detailed explanation of the current situation.

    It is tough being where you are right now for anyone who is dealing with an unrecovered alcoholic.  I feel for you in the situation.

    The key question here is the one you have stated: "I just don't know what to do with my life anymore"  His drinking is not the issue for you - it is fear of doing what AJ needs to do so that she is on the right path.  You may not label it as fear but that what it is at the heart.  Once you make a decision to tackle that fear you're on your way.

    I know that the presenting issues are the lies and the drinking, etc (but that is his stuff - not yours).  The "what if's" are not going to be productive any longer for you.  His sobriety is not your responsibility nor are you to concern yourself with supporting him right now.  The best thing you can do for him is focus on you and what you want out of life.  If he chooses to follow your lead into a new way of living perhaps you can stay together but until you break this pattern both of you will be stuck for a very long time and for a very miserable existence - not life - merely existence.  I would suspect that is the real crux of your dilemma.

    You do not say but I am wondering if you have tried Alanon.  You would certainly find some resources for yourself there to move you into a path of better living - good supportive ladies who are exactly where you are now and those who have made the changes necessary to break the fear.

    I hope he is at a place of surrender but until he is and until he gets back to AA where he, too, will meet people who have what he wants - sobriety, he does not have much of a chance.  He is either serious about his not finding the people there worth talking to or he is psychologically "turned off" because of things such as jealousy that many in AA do have sobriety and he desperately wants it but it not humbled enough to really ask for help and mean it.

    I hope this helps somewhat and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde