Expert: Amarnath.B - 4/27/2009

Question
I am a wife of a achoholic who says he knows he has a problem and wont do anything aboutit. He says he drinks because he likes the taste. the doctor said he should stop or he has 3 years to live. Last night he threatend me ether I allow him to get beer in the house or else get out. This is my home to . I work he doesnt he lost his job due to his drinking.

Answer
Hello Dorothy,

Thanks for the question.  It is very sad that you are also one of the many thousands of women who have been entrapped in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship.  

Dorothy, you husband does not drink because he likes the taste.  He is drinking because Alcoholism is making him drink.  Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  A person will stop drinking only if he has a desire to do so.  Many alcoholics come into recovery after they have touched rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. Some are lucky enough to get back on their feet and start a new life with the help of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.  But others die a pitiful death, or go to jails, or worse still will end up in an asylum insane.  Your husband probably has to touch rock bottom till he actually thinks about recovery.  His doctor may not be right.  Death or insanity can come to an alcoholic any time.  It is not 3 years.  It might be 3 days or 3 hours or minutes.  

Dorothy, it’s time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living life on life’s terms.  You have a life of your own and need to move on.  Have a frank talk with your husband.  Either he gets into recovery or you need to move on.  Since it is your home too, a temporary separation can be sought as there seems to be no other choice.  You are the earning member and I’m sure you can call the shots.  Stop enabling him.  You should also seek help.  You have actually become a co-dependent.  I suggest you contact Al-Anon (a self-help group of family and friends of alcoholics).  Your perception might change after meeting people who are in the same situation as yours.  In these meetings you will be able to get a lot of strength and support to face your situation.  You can also suggest to your husband to see a Counselor.  But I doubt it will be of much help since you said your husband has no desire to stop drinking.  

Now that leaves you and your life ahead.  I suggest you move on and move on quickly.  There is no point in wasting away your precious life living with an alcoholic who has no desire to change.  Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel.  If he refuses to change then you should change – change for your own good.

I pray that things work out well for you and I also pray that your husband recovers before he actually touches rockbottom.  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

God bless


Amarnath