Expert: Clyde - 5/6/2009

Question
i am not sure if you can answer this question or just may be some advice me and my boyfriend were together 6 years we have a child together and i have some and he has another daughter for 5 years our relationship went good he always drank but could go 3 to 4 days without well in the past year he got really bad he was drinking everyday and if he went a day or 2 he would have shakes and be cold and hot he got a dwi a couple years ago and then got his second one this year well everything went down hill he would be gone for days getting drunk but he would leave cause i didn't want to be around him well he was drinking cause he got violent so he would be gone for 5 days and come home for 2 so he could sober up then its started all back up again well a month ago his car had got reposessed cause he spends all his money at the liquor store so that night he decided he needed to go rehab or move in with another girl so he could get back and forth to work because i don't have a car so he made the choice to go to rehab so the first 3 weeks he was there he was calling me telling me he loved me and he couldn't wait to see me and this will be so must better for us and all the good stuff so a week before he was suppose to get out he stopped calling me the night be for he was getting out he called me and told me there was some stuff we needed to talk about now he didn't tell me what time he would be home or nothing so i come home to him and his mother packing his clothes so i was confused i ask him why and he said i love you but i had time to think and i need to do this and left now im feeling hurt and confused because i been there through all this i stuck by his side even though he has done alot of stuff to me and hurt me but i decided since he was getting help i was going to put everything in the pas an forgive and forget be he didn't give me the chance to he left me for another girl and i really feel he left cause she has a car they work at the same place so he doesn't have to worry about taking a bus or finding a ride i don't know what to think but if feel like i waist 6 years of my life for nothing and i know we always fought alot in this past year but it had alot to do with his drinking and his cheating and he was out of control with it so was mad all the time because of what he was doing to me and when he was doing it i told him to leave and when he wouldn't leave me i tried to leave and i would always here i don't want to lose you your the best thing in my life right now can i get an intake on this and something that would help me deal with this i want to stop blaming my self and move on with my life but its hard cause i do love him and i always will and i feel like he did this for the wrong reasons and i think if it is for the wrong reason he will relapse cause he wont be happy and he is still lying to his self and everyone around him.

Answer
T,
   Thank you for your story and for the question regarding blaming yourself.

   Don't do it!  Alcohol is a cunning little demon and will lie to the addicted individual all day long and it will even begin to lie to us as well.  You are a victim of the ravages of a disease called alcoholism and it hurts to be victimized.  he is victimized as well but from a different angle - he suffers with the disease and you suffer with the longings of a woman who loves a person who can not feel love.  He can not and does not know what he thinks or feels right now.  

   But this is about you, not him.  It sounds as if you have a big heart and a lot of love to offer the right person.  The addicted individual is not the right person and you have discovered that with this fellow.  It will hurt as you grieve the loss of a love that is not as you want it to be.  He is not in the picture so the grief work will need to be done and you will be able to move on.

   You might not believe this at this moment in time, but rest assured that as you grieve and heal from this relationship ending you are going to see life from a totally different angle.  I do not know if you are a spiritual person nor what your religious beliefs may be, but I have experienced two divorces, one with a woman with whom I had a daughter.  My daughter was 12 when I sobered up and 14 when my wife left me.  God has shown me that those were not 12 lost years as He provided me with the love of my life - my daughter.  We have a wonderfully close and loving relationship now 15 years later and for me to say that my marriage to my wife (her mom) was a mistake mocks the love that God gave to that daughter through the union of two people.  My daughter is not a mistake - she is a treasure.  You have a child by this fellow.  That child is a gift of love to this world so the years are not lost - they are hard to let go of and accept that life is different now, but lost they are not.

    I hope that you continue to reach out to people who care for you.  Allow them to be your strength as you heal.  It is my suggestion that you are better to let this fellow go because he is still in his alcoholic thinking and may never come around.  Maybe he will, but the chances don't look too good based on what you have shared about his present behaviors.

    Love someone else as much as you love this guy because that love is real.  He is missing a real special girl but the lie alcohol is too powerful and so grieve the loss and know that this has been a good learning experience.

    Thanks for writing, hopes this has helped, and write again if I may be of nay further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde