Expert: Clyde - 5/25/2009

Question
I have been dating a guy for five years. He has had some out of control drinking episodes. Currently he is a social drinker. He drinks just as much as our other friends do, but usually has a hangover on the weekends and doesn't see anything wrong with this. He claims that since he hasn't had an episode in a long time, I should be proud of him and see this as an accomplishment. He works during the week and says he should be able to relax during the weekend and drink if he chooses.

I am tired of going out with him and having him be an obnoxious drunk and feeling like a babysitter. I love my boyfriend and he is my best friend when he is sober. He has told me that there is no way he can give up drinking and it is just part of his personality.

I am a social drinker and feel like a hypocrite by saying I think he should quit. Am I being too harsh if I tell him I am leaving the relationship if he doesn't quit? By staying in this relationship am I enabling his actions?  Any advice would be sooo appreciated.

Answer
Ray,
   Thank you for the questions and for some general background on the situation.

    What you are hitting upon is one of the chief problems with addictive behaviors - they destroy relationships.  It may be subtle at times but when someone says they "can never" give up something they have been told bothers a significant relationship in their life, they are displaying an addictive tendency.  This "thing" they won't give up is giving them something they think is so fulfilling and important but in reality they are lieing to themselves and those around them.

    That, I believe, is the crux of this whole matter.  Now to your questions....

    The question you must answer is whether you desire to give of yourself to someone who does not care enough to change something destructive to the relationship?  Would you give up something someone else found offensive about you?  If you are a social drinker you'd probably say "yes."  However, you may not be able to provide the "thing" this other person is seeking.  Booze is doing something and until the other person explores this and gets honest with themselves, you may be a very unhappy person remaining in the relationship.

     You, as a social drinker, do not suffer from the disease of alcoholism.  You do not owe anything to an alcoholic who does suffer.  It is their problem and theirs alone.  Therefore, you need not have any guilt in this matter.  It is sad that he may be an alcoholic but only he can says that about himself. I would not say you would necessarily "enable" by staying unless you are unduly committing so much more of yourself to the relationship.  In that case, you might want to do some soul-searching and ask what is your role and why do you want to stay?  What about me may be unhealthy by staying _  - am I a caretaker-type, am I afraid to be alone, am I not being honest with myself?  What is being provided to me?  It is not selfish to do this, it is only being prudent in order to really assess this relationship for its pluses and minuses.

    Many times a relationship will be repaired and mended if one leaves because of active alcoholism.  The other person does have a chance to really assess what they will be losing to booze if they refuse to quit.  Do not leave in hopes of this shift because, more times than a few, the alcoholic just won't quit.  It is a  very powerful addiction, this thing called alcoholism.

    I hope this might help and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and peace,
Clyde