Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/8/2009

Question
Hello,

I'm writing to you, as I'm sure many people do, because I feel completely lost and don't know what to do.  I have been in a relationship with my now, fiancé, for 12 years; we have lived together for 7.  When we first met, we were in our teens and were both using drugs and alcohol.  Approximately three years into our relationship, we both completely stopped using drugs and began to rarely drink alcohol.  He began to use cocaine again and started drinking, too.  He became very addicted to cocaine and alcohol over the two years that followed, but kept it somewhat hidden from me.  I knew he was drinking, but did not know about the cocaine or think his drinking was a problem.  We then moved in together, and after several months of living together, I realized he was abusing both cocaine and alcohol.  When I approached him about it, he broke down, asked for help, and we moved to another state to "get away from the influence."  He seemed to conquer his addiction to cocaine while living away, but he continued to drink, although less than before.  After living away for a year, he was offered a job where we used to live and we returned... the cycle began. He lost the job, started using cocaine again, stopped, started, stopped, tried to hide his alcoholism, lost a job, etc.. etc... We've been through this cycle many times.  For the past year, I have believed that he was doing "better" - occasionally having a drink, but never to the same extent that I've seen in the past and he now has a very good job.  I've felt that the trust in our relationship was being rebuilt.  I know he hasn’t stopped drinking altogether, but today, when investigating a leak in our bathroom, I found many empty bottles of beer and vodka in our ceiling.

As I stated in the beginning of my question, I am lost. I don't know what to do next.  I have forgiven the many lies in our relationship related to abuse so many times; I'm hurt and tired.  I love him so much and just want to enjoy life... with him.  I want to help him, but don't know how. I want to be happy and I want a family, but am scared that can't happen with him.  I guess what I'm asking is, is there any hope for us? for his recovery? is anything that I can do?

Thanks for your time and advice.

~Lolly

Answer
Greetings to you, Lolly.

Yes, many like yourself do write because they “feel completely lost and don't know what to do.”  And, I must admit, there are times when it is very difficult for me to offer much of the hope I well understand you so desperately desire.

In what you have shared, there is at least one good thing you have already had an opportunity to learn, and that is that “geographical cures” (moving from one place to another) do not resolve the alcoholic’s or addict’s dependency problem.  Wherever we might go, we always take ourselves along, eh?!

The first thing you might want to do here is to read the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, and you can find that book online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Or, if you prefer, you can borrow one at just about any library or purchase one of your own.

Next, here are some basics to hopefully get you started in understanding what you are up against:

1) Alcohol and drugs are *not* your fiancé’s problem.  That might sound crazy at the moment, but the reason he drinks and drugs as he does is because he *has* a problem of whatever kind that the alcohol and drugs can at least temporarily satisfy.  From “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“[Alcoholics] drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.  The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.  To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.  They are restless, irritable and discontented [while sober], unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity.  After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops [where one drink physically demands another], they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change [via spiritual transformation] there is very little hope of his recovery.”

2) There is no way he will ever be able to drink or drug in healthy moderation, and there is no lecture, plea, bargain, confrontation or intervention that will ever cause him to quit for good.  Depending upon the kind of relationship the two of you have and upon your ability to communicate, discuss and share openly together – not likely, since you already know he hides his bottles and such – it is possible you might be able to help him learn a little about his root problems and what can be done about them.

You have asked:

>> is there any hope for us? for his recovery? is anything that I can do?

At the moment, you can only expect more of what you are presently experiencing and possibly worse in the days immediately ahead unless he has a desire to stop for good and is willing to accept some real help.  A desire to stop is an indispensable key in all of this, and here is a little along that line from the book I have mentioned:

“When you discover a prospect for [recovery], find out all you can about him.  If he does not want to stop drinking, don't waste time trying to persuade him.  You may spoil a later opportunity.  This advice is given for his family also.  They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person.
“If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him - usually his wife.  Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings.  You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.
“Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge.  The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it.  Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help.  Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval.  Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.  If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered.  You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you.
“If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him.  Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you.  They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout.  You might place this book where he can see it in the interval.  Here no specific rule can be given.  The family must decide these things.  But urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.” (pages 90-91)

Something else you might consider is to attend some Al-Anon meetings where you should be able to find others like yourself sharing some helpful and insightful experience and advice.

Please know you are always welcomed to write and that I will do my very best in trying to answer your questions and being supportive in every way possible.

Joseph Lee O.