Expert: Druideck - 5/26/2009

Question
Hi -- just a quick rundown -- i have been married 3 years to my husband.  When he met, he straight up told me he was an alcoholic and that if I were going to be with him, it was going to be something I needed to accept.  Not many days go by when he does not drink.  He does not always get drunk, but he drinks 4 to 6 beers just about every evening. Yesterday, he was off work and drank a 6 pack of beer and when I wouldn't drive him to the store to get more, he opened a bottle of wine.  I drank one glass, he drank the rest of the bottle. He is never mean or abusive when he drinks. He is pretty much the opposite of mean.  He is overly-emotional and needy.  It pretty much turns me off to him.  He will try to be romantic with me when he's drinking and I tell him I'm tired or no, he's too drunk, basically because I am disgusted with him at that time.  I am never mean, but say what I feel.  Basically, the only problems I have with it or No. 1 - it can't be good for him to drink so much physically; and No. 2 -- it gets on my freaking nerves when he is drunk.  I basically involve myself in a book or movie when he drinking so I do not have to deal with him.  Even then, he comes in the room, talking and disturbing me and trying to get my attention.  He wants me to drink with him - I am not a big drinker.  Sometimes I do have a glass of wine, but that will be the extent and he will be disappointed because he wants me to drink with him.  When he's drunk, he will even say "you are like this to me right now because I'm drunk"  "i can't help it, I'm an alcoholic, I'm sorry" and his gestures and facial expressions are almost child-like.  Like a child sticking out his bottom lip when he doesn't get his way.  I like him better when he is not drinking and I tell him so.  He has asked me about it and I tell him he gets on my nerves when he is filthy drunk.  So far it has not affected his work -- he drives a taxi and does not drink during the day.  But come 3:30 or 4:00, when his day is done, he starts with the 6 pack.  Sometimes he also uses marijuana while he is drinking - this just makes it even worse.  I am trying to have patience, because when he is not drunk and all, I really am fond of him.  He tries to be a good person and loves me very much.  However, when he drinks, I pull away from him and pray he doesn't come into the room I'm in or that he would just pass out and go to sleep because it gets on my nerves.  I guess I just need to find out what others might do to in order to help with their patience when dealing with a drunk.  He has flat out told me he is alcoholic and that he probably will never quit.  he said he did not want to lie to me about it and that i should know the truth.  Any advice on dealing with him on a daily basis?

Answer
Good day,

I am sorry to say that he has no excuse
for staying an alcoholic when there
are plenty of treatment, counselling
and other support available these days.
AA has a great peer support system
and a program for living that
helps address the alcoholics lack of
emotional development.

When drinking the alcoholic does
not mature emotionally as other
adults do. This is why he may seem
childlike. He may have only the
emotional development of a young
child. When sober in AA these
immaturities can be worked through
over time.

If he wants to drink and the negative
consequences are not outweighing the
positive then it is his choice to stay the
way he is.

He may eventually die physically sooner
from heart or liver disease.

If you coddle him or buy and/or
pickup his liquor for him
you are being an enabler than
keeps him from experiencing the
full consequences of his drinking.

You need to stay away from making
it easy and soft for him to drink.
You should be living your own life
fully and not hiding his problem
from anyone.

If he changes then your life
will change too because he can
not remain the same man and recover
from his alcoholism.

He will need help to stop at this point.
If he does not seek help you may be
faced with a future that involves
an invalid or a mentally, physically
and spiritually damaged man.

If you stay then you have no choice
but to accept how he chooses to live.
But remember that he does have a choice
and recovery is available to those
that want it bad enough.

Often only negative things can drive
an alcoholic to recover and stay sober.
In my case it was my wife leaving with
my family. I knew without her I had to be
sober to live. I was alone and had to face
myself in the mirror.

Take care!