Expert: Amarnath.B - 5/11/2009

Question
I have a question..... I have been married for 11 years to a man that is an alcoholic. The last few months have been horrible because he says and does things he wouldn't do when he was sober. A few weeks back he drank so much that he got paranoid about an event that never occurred and slapped me. He has never done this before and is now taking Antabuse, Antidepressant and is going to AA meetings. He seems like he is transforming into the man I married but I'm nervous and concerned that this is an act to get his family back. He keeps asking to come back home.

How long should I keep him out of the house? He has never hurt me before and I don't think he will as long as he doesn't drink.

So confused about the next step.

Answer
Hello Vickie,

Thank you for your question.  

Relationship issues in an alcoholic scenario are very subjective. This is so because most relationships are dysfunctional when one of the partners is an active alcoholic.  What an alcoholic says and does under the influence is usually alcohol-induced reaction. An alcoholic is very selfish and will go to any lengths to please the other person as long as his/her domain is secured. Most alcoholics have very low self-esteem and a deep sense of insecurity.  They need reassurances and acceptance for everything that they say and do.

Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  A person will stop drinking only if he has a desire to do so.  Your husband is not drinking because he likes to drink.   Alcoholism is making him drink.  He has had this disease much before he started to drink & it only manifested after he started to drink.

All alcoholics have personality problems.  They drink to escape from life, to counteract feelings of loneliness or inferiority, or because of some emotional conflict within them, so that they cannot adjust themselves to life.  Alcoholics cannot stop drinking unless they find a way to solve their personality problems.  That’s why going on the wagon doesn’t solve anything.  That’s why taking the pledge usually doesn’t work.   

Now let’s look at the issues facing your life.  I’m glad that your husband is going to AA meetings.  AA is the only answer for an alcoholic for long term sobriety.  Normally, I would have suggested that you keep your husband away for some more time.  Since his actions are not recurrent you could give him a chance but with restrictions and limitations set by you.  He has crossed the threshold of alcoholism and he is now a full blown alcoholic from the account described by you in the past few months.  Your husband needs to attend AA meetings daily.  His friends should be from the fellowship only.  Be very firm about his drinking in the house.  Now that he has just started on the path of sobriety, his behavior will still be the same when he was actively drinking.  This is called dry drunk syndrome.  It will take a long time for him to change his behavior but diligent working on himself will see a change.  Alcoholism not only affects the alcoholic but also people around him vis-à-vis family and friends.  Make sure you do not enable him at any given time.  I suggest you go the Al-Anon (an offshoot of AA for family and friends of alcoholics) meetings.  Here you will find and identify persons who are facing or have faced similar problems like yours.  You can draw a lot of strength from this group and also find solutions for your problems.

Vickie, allow him back home just this one time.  But make sure you have covered yourself properly for any mishaps in the future.  Also make it known to him that if he touches one drink he gets out and it might be a long time for him to come back even if he sobers up.

Vickie if you face any problems at any time, or have any issues or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me immediately.  You can also mail me at my personal email baba.amarnath@gmail.com.

God bless.  


Amarnath