Expert: Beverley Glazer - 5/20/2009

Question
I really dont know where to begin. I have been married for 25 years.When we first got together my husband already had one DUI with in our first year of marriage he got another one.I told him I was not going to live like this,He had his choice me and my kids or his booze ( he also did drugs)
Well he choose Me and my kids He went to Alcohol class and Rehab.He quit drinking for 22 years and quit drugs 15 years.Well 2 years ago he started drinking again at first it was only once in awhile then it became a every night thing I listen to the same old excuses of Im stressed, I need to relax,I just need to forget ( See for a year we had my son and his family living with us which was not a good thing  they fought all the time which in turn we would get in fights Because I would not kick them and my grandchildren to the streets Well they finialy moved out last Nov 08) But my husbands drinking is still going on.He knows how I feel about it But of course he says he dont see the problem that I do.You see if thinks that if he dont drink every day that it should be okay,Well there is allot that has been said and things that he has done that I feel are not right but he says he is only playing games ( Like he will be drinking get online and look for other women to (Quote) to talk to he looks and sends dirty pics of his self ( Which I caught him and we had a big blow out about it and told him that he might as well have cheated on me because that is the way I fill.Which that has stopped)one time he got drunk and stareted to text my son wife saying allot of inappropriate stuff When he got caught he said he was just F***ing with her.Which lead to a big fight between my son and he and when my son said that you are my dad you should not be doing that My husband said I never claimed to be your dad which hurt my son This man is the only Father he has ever knowen ( My son was 3 when we got married)Also I he has made inappropriate comments to my daughter  about her body Like you know I am not your real dad and so forth(she was 5 when we married) By the way we have a son together which is seeing all of this and just dont know what to think or
do.You see I have been fighting with this for awhile and I just dont know what to do Every one tells me leave his ass.I dont want to throw 25 years down the drain.Ido not believe in divorces so that is out.He will do good for a few days or if I ask that he have a no drinking weekend he does it He says that our marriage mean every thing to him He just dont see why I am so scared about about his drinking He has ruined this family We will never be able to do things together again because of things he has done.I am afraid to have my kids over here when he is here for fear of what might happen more with my oldest son( He has done some things to this family (stealing from us breaking into our house)That my husband will never forgive him for.I wont fo it But I feel like if I was out of the picture (dead) That would serve him right but I have my Kids and grandkids,family I just dont know what to do every time We are getting alond and things are going good My husband shows up with his beer and it just changes my whole mood to where i dont want to be around I cant even stand the smell of the crap.I know I am just venting but would like some advice on what to do.Cant go on like this
Scared

Answer
Hi Deb,

Your husband has a long history of drug/alcohol abuse and 2 years ago he relapsed. Because he was clean for so long he believes that he can stop any time - not so.

Once an alcoholic/addict starts drinking it all kicks right back in. In AA language 'this is a progressive disease' and you're witnessing it.

Your husband is back in denial, so now you have to go right back to giving him an ultimatum like you did 22 years ago. "Drink or the family"

Tell him that you love him, but you don't want to break up the family, but he has to get help and he can't do this alone. Tell him that you and the family are not going to take it any more.

Demand that he goes to AA meetings and not only that - he must keep on going and get a sponsor. He also has to work the 12 steps. Here's what they are:

http:www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

If he goes through the steps, not only will he stop drinking, but make amends with the family. He'll regret what he's been saying and doing and be more humble and easier to live with.

You can be strengthened and supported by members of Al Anon. Everyone there is in a similar situation and this can be very helpful. Find out where the meetings are.

Your husband knows how you feel about divorce, so he's counting on you putting up with his behavior. No way!

Look up where the AA meetings are in your area, and don't allow any excuses - Tell him that if he stopped the first time, he can do it again - and there's no option.

Not easy, I know, but stay strong.

Hope this information is helpful
Thank you for contacting All Experts

All the best,

Beverley Glazer MA
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com