Expert: Amarnath.B - 5/23/2009

Question
my husband is an alcoholic addict for six years. we tried many ways to help him, but nothing worked out for more than six months.his problem is affecting our family life , relation between family members, child's future etc. at this stage as a wife how do i handle this situation ? what kind of practical advice i can get?

Answer
Hello Sindhu,

Thank you for the question.  It is very sad that you are also one of the many thousands of women who have been entrapped in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship.  

The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your husband is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.  In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner (family members including wife & children) often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns.  

Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence.  The disease however, will continue to grow.  A person will stop drinking only if he has a desire to do so. Many alcoholics come into recovery after they have touched rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease.  There is hope for your husband if he has a desire to stop drinking.  Like I said, most alcoholics will not stop drinking till they touch rock bottom where they lose everything vis-à-vis family, friends, job, finances, the list goes on.  Some do recover but others either become insane or die an alcoholic death.  Your husband should see a counselor immediately.  He needs rehabilitation and he should also contact AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), a self-help group of alcoholics which has helped millions to recover and lead a happy and alcohol-free life.  May be you should contact them and ask one of its members to come and visit your husband.

Sindhu, it is time that you gave the ultimatum to your husband.  He either goes into recovery or you will have to keep him away from the family as alcoholism is a Family disease & everyone will get affected.  You should convince your husband to go into rehabilitation at least for a couple of months for his recovery.  It does not stop here.  To maintain his recovery he has to start attending AA meetings regularly forever.  Most wives of alcoholic husbands get affected too though they would not be drinking like the husbands or they don’t drink at all.  Family and friends get affected emotionally & sometimes physically because of the drinking behavior of their loved ones. This is called co-dependency.  I suggest you contact Al-Anon (a self-help group of families and friends of alcoholics).  Here you will find people who have been in the same situation as you are & it is here you can draw strength and hope to help yourself and your husband deal with this malady.  But it is time you drew the line, have a frank talk with your husband, & give him the ultimatum.  He has to go into recovery to keep his sanity & family.  Please do not procrastinate on this issue anymore because like I said before Alcoholism is a family disease.   

I hope things work out for you & your husband goes into recovery.  If you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me.


God bless.



Amarnath