Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: hello, I have a friend at work. All of my male coworkers say he is an alcoholic. Ive heard he drinks 10 to 16 12oz beers a day. They said he doesnt always get his work done. He was working 2 jobs to make extra money now he works 1 full time job, he laughed and said now he has more time to drink beer and watch TV. He recently took a week off work because his blood pressure went really high and he had anxiety attacks. He said he was going to change his diet and exercise but said he doesnt need to quit drinking. When we were together one day he said he couldnt eat because it would hurt his stomach. His friend told me he complains about nightmares and sleeping problems, as well as alot of stomach problems. One time he said he needed to quit drinking cause he was getting fat, the next time he joked about his drinking. He says his drinking is alot better than it used to be, he doesnt drink hard liqueor anymore just beer. I know sometimes people will gossip and exaggerate what they hear, but how bad do you think his problem is with all the health issues?

ANSWER: Greetings to you, Jamie.

Yes, I would say your friend has a problem, and I would even suspect he might be wanting to do something about it ... yet he is likely afraid to admit that even to himself at the moment since he does not know what is wrong or what a solution might be.

You have written:

>> I've heard he drinks 10 to 16 12oz beers a day.

That is quite a bit, and drinking that much alcohol is almost certainly doing some physical damage within his body and brain.  However, that does not necessarily prove he is an alcoholic.  A true alcoholic is someone who loses control of how much he or she drinks after getting started with just a few.

>> ... 1 full time job, he laughed and said now he has more time to drink beer and watch TV.

He might be joking there to try to get other people to laugh with him so he can feel okay about his drinking.  He more than likely suspects (or even knows) he is caught in some kind of trap that is helping to rob him of his very life.

>> ... his blood pressure went really high and he had anxiety attacks.

Untreated, my own blood pressure is considered deadly (morbid hypertension at 240/140), and I used to have great trouble with anxiety.  I do not know what effect alcohol might actually have on one's blood pressure, but I do know my own drinking used to variously both cause and relieve anxiety.  Your friend might be getting close to being at a place like this in his life:

“He cannot picture life without alcohol.  Some day [or maybe already] he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.  Then he will know loneliness such as few do.  He will be at the jumping-off place.  He will wish for the end.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 152)

>> He said he ... doesn’t need to quit drinking.

That is where he is possibly actually saying he cannot imagine life without it.

>> ... he said he couldn’t eat because it would hurt his stomach.

Ulcers?

>> ... nightmares and sleeping problems ...

He is an emotional turmoil inside, and alcohol only soothes that while he is either passed out or awake and drinking heavily.

>> One time he said he needed to quit drinking cause he was getting fat, the next time he joked about his drinking.

He probably has more of a desire to drink safely that a desire to actually quit.  If you are so inclined, I can try to help you try to help him learn a little about alcoholism and whether or not he might be a problem drinker.

>> He says his drinking is a lot better than it used to be, he doesn’t drink hard liquor anymore just beer.

That probably means he finds it a little easier to “maintain” a certain level of intoxication with beer than with liquor, and his having dropped liquor probably helps him believe he actually has control over his drinking even though he might not.

>> ... how bad do you think his problem is with all the health issues?

Heavy drinking almost always shortens one’s life, and it can certainly aggravate other health problems along with the ones it causes.  However, only a good doctor could make an actual assessment here after giving him a thorough examination.

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: How do I help? His friends tell me he always has breath mints in his locker could he be drinking at work. They also say he has a tendency to use women for money. He never asks me for anything he even took me to lunch and a movie. They said you would not believe the kind of women he hooks up with, others with substance abuse issues maybe? Alot of people dont get along with him and say hes crazy, not from what Ive seen, thank you for your help


ANSWER: Greetings again, Jamie.

First patiently begin reading “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book ... and of course, I will do my best to answer your questions all along the way.  You might start reading at the beginning or anywhere else in the book, or you might want to begin with Chapter 7, “Working With Others”.  Overall, however, the idea is to try to begin finding out a little about how your friend perceives himself and his drinking and whether he might want to stop, and to then begin using some simple conversation for some specific “planting”, so to speak.  At this point in time, your friend likely believes there is nobody else in the world exactly like him or who could possibly understand, and his ego and fear will quickly drive and isolate him deeper within himself if he believes he might somehow be “exposed” to the world or "found out" as an out-of-control drunk.

You have written:

>> His friends tell me he always has breath mints in his locker could he be drinking at work.

That is certainly possible.

>> They also say he has a tendency to use women for money.

No matter what, *never* give him any!

>> He never asks me for anything he even took me to lunch and a movie.
>> They said you would not believe the kind of women he hooks up with, others with substance abuse issues maybe?

Yes, and I would guess he might “hook up” with convenient ones he can easily forget about later, and that maybe he sees you either personally or as an icon for “the ideal” he would want but either knows he does not deserve or does not want to hurt.  Whether or not you want to tell me anything about your friendship or relationship with him is for you to decide, but please be very cautious and avoid any kind of “mothering”, so to speak.  Be a good friend and confidant without becoming a lover, be consistent and treat him with respect even when he might not seem to deserve it.

>> A lot of people don’t get along with him and say he’s crazy, not from what I’ve seen, thank you for your help

Since I know nothing about you other than my observation that you care about your friend’s well-being, I can only say, “Be careful and circumspect (watching all around you).”  He could be simply saying goofy things to others to try to impress them in some way or to keep them from coming too close and seeing him as he is, but he is, in one way or another, an actor playing a self-written role.

You can find the A.A. book online here:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Or, you should be able to borrow one from just about any library or purchase one just about anywhere.

I cannot guarantee any specific outcome here, but I will do my best to help you try to help you friend come to terms with his drinking and accept some great help, as found in that book!

Also, you might be interested in listening in at an online "open meeting" where I plan to be tomorrow evening at 9pm est:
http://www.londonppbbs.com/ourprimarypurposechatroom.html

Joe


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hello I dont know if i can help my friend i have found out that he has had several duis. 1 of them a felony he also drove on a suspended license was chaged with domestic violence and carrying a concealed weapon. this all happened 8 to 10 years ago but his blood alcohol was.20 on one of them. The felony involved some kind of an accident I know this was a long time ago but know im a little afraid to be around the guy what do you think. thank you so much for your help


Answer
Greetings again, Jamie.

It is good to hear you have learned more about your friend, and you definitely should be very cautious around him.  Most importantly, and even if this means very little interaction at all, I believe it would be best for you to never be alone with him anywhere.  It is not that I would fear he might physically harm you, but that he might try to manipulate you in some way if he gets the idea your interest of any kind might be something he can use to his own advantage.

As before, please know you are always welcomed to write.

Joe