Expert: Druideck - 5/24/2009

Question
To Start, This is really important to my marriage.  I met my husband 8 yrs ago. He was young and worked hard but drank then too. Since then we got married had 4 children together (plus I have one from a previous relationship). We now have a new house and he works pat-time with full time hrs. So as you can see alot has happend. BUt I worry about my husbands drinking. He drinks every night (beer) he can go from 5 to 12 in 4-5 hrs, whether it's during the day or at night after his shift. I've confronted him many times about it and once a few yrs ago he stopped for a full yr, but then he started again..just as strong. I also find he takes it out on my daughter by egging her on, making her mad or bringing out things that she has done in the past to aggrivate him. I usually end up telling him to leave because he's out of line. My daughter is a very fiesty adolescent..and likes to push his buttons too. But sometimes I just have enough...I'm taking care of 5 children who need me and I feel that he's in his own world..drinking alone since I don't drink. He often says he wishes I would have a drink with him so that he wouldn't be drinking alone. My frineds have all said he sdrinks too much, I agree. It needs to stop, but I'm not the one who's gonna stop it..he needs too. He gets defensive of course when I approach him with this..At this point I'm not sure what I need to do..threats aren't the way to go, but what else can I do?

Answer
Josee,

I know these problems seem to sneak
up on people. We always think the
drinking will taper off after
marriage but in some cases it only
gets worse.

It sounds like your husband has been
drinking heavily for many years.
It is difficult to stop drinking
once you have developed a dependency
or addiction to it.
It is even harder if he sees no reason
why he should quit.
Without his cooperation or at least
some desire to quit you can do little.

Often the only thing that has the power
to cause a drinker to seek help
and start recovery is negative consequences.
This can include lost jobs, bad health,
legal problems, wife leaving, jail, fines,
mental difficulties and other living problems related to
their drinking behaviour.

Few drinkers will stop just by giving them
information about their problem.
Few will stop due to threats or nagging
from their family.

When threats are actually carried out
(wife leaves) some will stop for a time until things
smooth out and then start again once she returns.
This is how powerful alcohol is.

We cannot really change other people,
this is an illusion.
You can only live your own
life as you choose.

If he feels you mean business he
may put some effort into quitting
but if he is not willing to
attend AA or such regularly
for a few months at least,
his chances of longterm success is small.

If you have a list of dates and times of bad events
and your feelings at the time,
you can with other friends or family
members arrange an organized intervention
with a trained alcohol professional.

This could urge him into a treatment program
that may break his denial.
If he gets the idea how ill he is
then he may be more receptive to
recovery programs in the future.

He may not realize how abnormal
it is to drink so much and so often.
Alcohol blocks people's awareness
of the problem. He may think
he is okay and you have the problem
of being bothered by drinking.

Alcoholics have a strong false pride
to admitting they are beat by alcohol.
They can be very stubborn and sensitive
about doing anything except
what they want to do.
This self-centered attitude is
hard to overcome and even harder
for others to bear.
Recovery in AA addresses these problems
and it does take time so take care
in whatever you decide to do for yourself
and your kids.