Expert: Clyde - 5/13/2009

Question
My husband is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 1 year with medicines an a doctor. In this time he has drunk 3 times.I fought with him to recover for 7 years. Thought i reached my objetive i feel son tired that i dont have any power to continue with this relationshiop.WE have been separated for 9 months.Alcoholism is a problem that always will be with us. I can not imagine fighting it for the rest of my life. I love him. What can i do?Please help me.

Answer
Isabelle,
     Thank you for your questions and for sharing some of the story of the relationship.  

     You have discovered one thing that is so sad about this disease -- you can lead a horse to water but you can not force that horse to drink.  It is a saying in the states that means you can offer the cure but whether the person accepts the help is up to them. Your husband probably is an alcoholic  but only he can say that and only he can recover if he wants to do so.  No amount of effort on your part can do it for him.

     You are separated right now and that is a good thing.  It has given you time to sort out your next right step to take.  It sounds like you are at that point of discerning the next thing to do.  You are right, alcoholism is here to stay in this relationship.  We are never free of it, but if we work a program of recovery we are given a chance to live one day at a time free of the active drinking.  We are also granted a chance to make it right with those in our lives whom we love and care about.

    It is up to the husband to decide whether he desires to make it right with you by working hard to recover and never drink again while learning new ways to cope with life and the problems we face without alcohol.  He may never do this.  That is the sad fact.

     If you are a praying woman, pray for the strength and courage and direction from God for the next phase of your life.  It will either be a renewed attempt to stay with this fellow or God will direct that He has other things for you to be doing.  If He directs you to move on, then do so without looking back and know that there is no guilt in leaving the alcoholic lifestyle in which you have been ensnared.   I believe that alcoholism is a form of sinfulness in which God does not intend for us to ensnare others.  It is a matter of whether we show our mates we really take the pledge we made in marriage seriously or not -- to love and honor.  Subjecting a mate to known alcoholism is not honoring them, it is destroying them.

    I hope this may have helped you somewhat.  Please write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde