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Addiction to Alcohol/My relationship is based on drinking

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Expert: - 5/17/2009


Question

drunk
I want to start out by saying that I already know how bad this will make me sound.  I have been seeing this guy since last October (8 months now) and at first it was wonderful.  We would meet for drinks to watch the Cowboy's games... or go dancing.  We live in a small town, so the only nightlife here is bar-related. Then I started noticing the hidden beers around his house.  In drawers, closets, under the bed, in the vegetable crisper drawer in the fridge etc.... He said that it was so his kids wouldn't see it, but he only has them every other weekend.  Then when I started staying the night at his house, I would wake up at 4am to the sound or a beer opening.  He has to be at work at 5am to get this- drive a semi delivering beer!!!  He has been called in at work several times by people who have seen him drinking on the job, but his brother is a big-wig in the company and continues to protect him.  Now, he drinks ALL the time.  Before, during and after work... he will even have an open container when his children are in the car.  When he is sober (which is rare) he is sweet and wonderful, but when he is drinking he tells me that I'm fat and ugly (which I'm not).  He has started wetting the bed, and last night I had to call his ex-wife to come get the boys because I didn't feel that they should see their father like that (passed out and wetting his pants).  I had had a few, and was fine, but I'm still not driving anywhere with 2 children in the car if I've even had one drink.  Now I'M the bad guy????  He didn't even know the kids were gone until this morning!!!  He has cheated on me in the past, and I've forgiven him because he just got out of a 10 year marriage and I understand that he doesn't want anything that serious yet.  I know that I'm an enabler, I know that I should have told him to hit the road a long time ago when this behavior started.... but I just can't seem to do it.  The really bad part is that I have a degree in psychology!!!!  How can I help other people when I can't even help myself???  Is this a Wendy/Peter Pan syndrome thing?  I've started having panic attacks, and I'm at the end of my rope.  But I'm scared that if I leave, it might push him over the edge.  I've tried to get him help, even saying that I will go with him.  He says that he doesn't have a problem.  That's what they all say.  I'm afraid he will get his kids taken away from him, and as much as I hate to say it, I almost hope they do. Because that might be the thing he needs to hit rock bottom and change his life.  How do I reach him?  And how do I move on, knowing that something bad will probably happen if I'm not there to watch out for him?  Typical co-dependent behavior, I know, but it's just so different when my feelings are involved.  Attached is a picture of him passed out in my bed with empty beer cans around him.  It was taken at 9 in the morning.

Answer
Hello Katy,

Thanks for your question.  The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction which your partner is in and into which you have become entrapped. By understanding that alcoholism is a physiological illness, based on alcohol dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the alcoholic, one is better able to see that the addiction/alcoholism is solely an individual journey for that person.  Your boyfriend needs help before it is too late.  Many alcoholics come into recovery after they touched rock bottom vis-à-vis loss of job, family, finance, home etc.  But some of them sadly don’t live to see recovery because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. Alcoholism is making your boyfriend drink and not vice versa.  An alcoholic has the disease in him much before he would have actually started drinking.  The disease manifests only after he/she continues to drink.

Katy, now since you have an idea of what you’re into & your role as a co-dependent you are actually not helping him.  Alcoholics need a crutch & your boyfriend seems to have found one in you.  You are actually making it easier for him to continue in the progression of his disease.  Alcoholism is also called a disease of denial.  Katy, though you know you are ‘enabling’ him, your actions of helping him are actually on the surface level.  By your description you have actually accepted the fact unconsciously & numbing your feelings in order to be that ‘martyr’ which I feel is in you.  By this behavior of not confronting the situation head on, you are allowing your boyfriend to continue merrily along his drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.  Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves. Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.

Katy, it’s time you did a little bit of soul searching and come to terms with life.  Start facing the reality and start living life on life’s terms.  You have a life of your own and need to move on. I have a feeling you have always projected yourself as a victim in your past relationships and tend to keep getting yourself into bigger mess due to your unmanageability.  You are trying to be a ‘martyr’ though deep inside all you need is peace, serenity, & happiness.  It is a good feeling to be of help to someone but not at the cost of one’s own sanity.  Alcoholics will only stop drinking if they have a desire to do so.  You cannot force sobriety into an alcoholic.  You can only tell them the evils of the disease.  Your boyfriend seems to have many enablers as of now & hence his denial is cropping up every once a while.  Have a frank talk with him.  Either he gets into recovery or you need to move on.  You have a life of your own Katy.  I suggest you move out if you are living with him.  Stop being a crutch and stop enabling him.  

Tens of thousands of alcoholics have recovered by practicing the 12-Steps of AA.  AA is the only known long term help for an alcoholic.  If you could contact a group nearby & have an old timer talk to your boyfriend, it definitely will go a long way into bringing some sanity into your boyfriend.  Like I said before most alcoholics will not stop drinking till they touch rock bottom.  I do not wish this for anyone.  Now since you have become a co-dependent, I suggest you contact Al-Anon (an off-shoot of AA & a support group of family and friends of alcoholics).  Your perception might change after meeting people who are in the same situation as yours.  In these meetings you will be able to get a lot of strength and support to face your situation.  

Katy, if you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me. I wish you all the best & I pray you have a good life.


God bless


Amarnath  

Amarnath.B

Expertise

Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases. Involved in counseling/rehabilitation. Can answer any question on this subject.

Experience

10 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.

Organizations
MIND Rehabilitation Center, Bangalore, India. Karnataka Association of Psychiatric Disability,Bangalore, India. Email: alke@rediffmail.com

Education/Credentials
Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders. HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse. Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.

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