Expert: Beverley Glazer - 5/26/2009

Question
Hi. My sister is 13 years older than me and with no children. She is a very closed private person but also is
very kind and wouldn't harm a fly. She is in her early 50's.

She has had a problem with drinking since (from what my brother tells me) since she was in her teens.

Since her relationship ended two years ago, I am certain she is drinking heavily every day (in the evening
and during the day when not working). She lived with me initially after her relationship ended for around
six months. Every night I got woken by her staggering through the house to open the french doors to have
a cigarette, and by her fumbling with the locks for ages on her way in and out again.

Her partner told me he left her because of her daily drinking (she would drink in her room in the
evenings). No-one though, either him or my family have ever confronted her. I ended up confronting her
(in anger) when she lived with me twice but that was obviously pointless. This Xmas I confronted her as
she went out of contact for several days and I had no choice but to go to her apartment and bang on the
door loudly for 10 mins as I was concerned by that time and we were supposed to make Xmas plans. She
eventually came to the door in a stupor - she rocked on her feet and both she and the apartment stank of
alcohol.

I think she may also drink and drive.  I can guarantee that if I call her in the evening, she will be almost
incoherent. When I used to catch up with her on weekends, she reeked of breath freshener.

Because of the lies piled on top of lies she is now telling me, I have now (recently) pulled away from her
entirely. I have no other family support - my brother doesn't want to know about it (he lives in another city
so it's a case of out of sight out of mind for him). I also suspect she has contacted him and tried to
mitigate any perceived damage to her reputation by telling him I "have an anger problem", which has now
had the effect of him and I pulling apart.

I actually do feel resentful of her and want to cut ties with her permanently, because of the lying and
deceit. However, I obviously don't want to be the catalyst for any final self-destruction as she really
doesn't have anyone aside from me (in this city) and my brother (in the country).

Is tough-love the best thing? I feel it's a case of either me 'playing the game' and suffering her lies and
deceit or living by my own standard and not partaking in her lies anymore. The lying is what is so hard to
deal with because it's a case of me playing along (which I cannot do) or calling her on it (which is what I
have been doing lately).

I can't help her anyway unless she admits she has a problem.

Help!!  How is this likely to play out?

Lissa  

Answer
Hi Lissa

The lying and the manipulation that you're experiencing is all part of your sister's alcoholism.
And you're right, only she can take care of the problem - however, you're not totally powerless.

As you are the only family member in the city, she will not want to lose you, but she'll also fight to keep on drinking.  

Tell your sister calmly but sternly, that you're fed up with her drinking and don't want to cut her off like your brother did, but you can't watch her destroying herself.
Demand that she do something to get help.

Here are some treatment options available to her:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment.html

Do the research and find AA meetings in your area and demand that she goes and whether she's in to it or not. Tell her she has to go to meetings and get a sponsor and make a commitment. Tell her that she lost her relationship, the next thing will be her job, and then you. Tell her that she's one step away from being on the street - and that you've had enough. No tears - just the facts - and don't allow her to get into an argument with you. This will be what she wants.

Make sure that you also tell her how much you love her and how much it hurts you to see her killing herself like this.

It would also be helpful for you to go to AlAnon meetings, where you'll meet others in your situation. The members will help you to stay strong.

Hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for writing All Experts

Good luck

Beverly Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com