Expert: Druideck - 6/1/2009

Question
QUESTION: My 30 year old son is an alcoholic,
He moved in with us in March of 2009 and after 2 months of CHAOS He agreed to go to a Detox Centre  and after that to 2 meeting at AA daily and doing well at that for 20 days so far.
He has a sponsor and also another member to the same "Club" who are very supportive.
I know he had a few drinks last night, not the usual 26er. of Vodka BUT He did drink...I know that they DO relapse at times so my question to you is " what do I say to him about the relapse?" without sounding like a nagging Mom.
Thank you
Antonietta

ANSWER: Antonietta,

it sounds like your son is on a good path
but alcoholism is very baffling to
understand and difficult to recover from.

Often an alcoholic may be struggling
with his desire to quit and his desire
to hold on to what has given him
an escape from his bad feelings and
responsibilities.

If he is being honest about the relapse
there is not much need to say anything
to him. He will know that he is making
a bad choice.

Make sure he is not hiding his relapse
from his sponser or other friends.
His honesty will play a big part
in getting sober.

Alcoholics have very strong compulsions
or urges to drink and there mind
also tricks them into minimizing
the consequences of continued drinking.

Tell him I am a recovered alcoholic
for 22 years and must emphasize that
everytime he drinks it will change
his mental attitude so he drinks again
and again. Drinking changes our
thinking and it is vitally important
to stay away from that first drink
at anytime. No excuses.
When he feels the urge to drink he must call someone
sober and talk until the urge passes.
It will pass if he can hold on
one minute at a time.

I know it is a struggle so try
to give him some space to heal.

If he continues to drink and make
excuses you must make sure
he is not just fooling you,
he must really be attending AA
regularly for any chance of success.
You can let him be unless you
feel he is being insincere.

Sometimes silence is a greater help
when someone is struggling with
a problem they are aware of.
































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: "THANK YOU SO MUCH" for your answer to my question, it sure has helped! My son did go to a 28 day Rehab Center 2 years ago but started drinking MORE heavily after 3 months of sobriety and living in rooming houses till He moved in with us and that was my choice since I felt that was the ONE only thing that I didn't do to help him towards sobriety, against my husband wishes (his step-father)who did agree seeing my deep concern of my Son's destroying drinking behaviours.I also went to a support group for 3 months and learned about alcoholism which is a new world to me. YES I did enable him at times,Yes he knew and knows how to get to my heart etc.  He has said to me that he will get back on the right track!
My husband believes that it is now time to be on his own again BUT i do NOT since I believe that he needs our support and strength more so NOW since he is too fresh into his recovery and will fall back in his old ways if he were to move out now.
My question is "Do you think it would be beneficial to my son to move out at this time?"
Thank you
Antonietta


Answer
Antonietta,

the only part of the question
that makes it difficult is
the sincerity of your son's
desire to stop drinking.

This I cannot judge without
knowing him. I have had lots
of experience with alcoholics
in general however.

Alcoholism can result in
much dishonest behaviour.
Some people try very hard and
may still relapse but some
just fool you into thinking
they want to stop and try to
play to your sympathies so
you will help them to be irresponsible.

If he is for sure attending AA meetings
a few times a week at least, he may
hopefully take to the program.
If he starts to act casual like
he has things under control
and doesn't need help, that is when
I would be concerned and you may
have to set some limits for him.

Alcoholics are undisciplined
and will only respond to definite
consequences for their behaviour.
One consequence is that he follow
your rules when under your roof.

If he does not think you are serious
he may decide he can slack off
his recovery plan.
Make it clear that you will support
him only when he follows the recovery
plans you have set out.
If he wants to do otherwise then
set him free as your husband has said.

Making it easy for him to recover is good
but making it easy for him to keep
drinking is bad for him.

Only do what supports his recovery,
help him get a big book from AA
and make sure he does some reading
in it daily. He will have to change
his thoughts and attitudes over
time to stay sober.

It is possible to recover but eventually
all excuses for drinking have to go.
This is a difficult and serious affliction
and I wish you all luck with it.