Expert: Druideck - 5/7/2009

Question
My BF has been sober for 9 months now. Our relationship has been off and on for three years now, and i have chosen to stick in there.
My question is this:  He is a roller coaster. Doesn't really know yet, what "normal" is, and a lot of times feels guilty about some of his feelings.  Things go really, really well for a long period of time, and then one comment, or situation will happen, and he doesn't know how to handle it. needs space to think. gets "relapsy" as he calls it. To be honest, a lot of times his sponsor sets him off.  It is, needless to say,  a roller coaster for me too. ALways waiting for that particular bomb going off - "I need some space".  I know it isn't about me, and i want to stick through this, and in early sobriety, i even expect it. but does it last forever? I can't forsee a life of ups and downs of THIS SORT forever. When does an addict start feeling comfortable with his feelings without going off the deep end?

Answer
Kaira,

It is normal for a person in recovery to
go through many changes in their thinking
and feelings.

Early recovery is full of conflicting
feelings, fears and confusion
about life, truth and how to relate
to others while sober.

Along with this is alot of sensitivity.
The reason for this is because of
the lack of emotional maturing
while drinking. The person has always
buried their feelings with alcohol
so does not have the emotional strength
gained through everyday living while
being sober as most people do.

The result of all this is that the
emotional age of a newly recovered
person may only be that of a child.
He has to experience all the emotional
growth from that age to being an
adult and gaining the strength of an
adult. This takes some time as he
has to gain this strength from his
life experiences.

Everyday he is juggling all the things
he hears, feels and sees. He then
has to process this experience into
his lifestyle and relationships.

I would say you both have some work
to do on handling fear, anger, demands, frustration
and also on letting go of controlling
each other. Sometimes the greatest growth
one can experience is feeling your own
inner strength so you don't need so much
from your mate. This sets them free to
grow at their own speed as dictated by
their inner life.

To sum up, everything you are both
going through will help you to come out
stronger in the end. If you or he needs space
to reconcile your self then do what you
need to do for yourself.
Sometimes we have to back off if we are
feeling too overwhelmed.

He must take care of himself or he
could die from alcoholism.
This is a serious illness and he has
made a good start.

A relationship can be very hard in the
first few years of recovery.
Stability will improve as he learns
to cope with things better.
By three to five years he may be doing
much better if he stays sober and
works the AA program.

Your recovery may include working on
what you demand and are not receiving
from him. Let go of the demands and
the anxiety will lessen.
We can always reduce our expectations
and demands to make things better
for ourself.
Unmet demands always create frustration.

Take care!