Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am involved with a man who i love very much and tells me i am his life, but he has gone from accepting and admitting he is an alcoholic to denying. He has tried to convince himself that changing from spirits such as Whiskey and Vodka to beer is cool and acceptable, but i cant accept this. I dont know what to do cause i threaten to leave him, but he begs and i know he has major personal issues and has promised he will give it up once it is over, but i dont believe him. He lies especial when under the influence, his kids dont believe him and i am starting to doubt him too. I even feel so insecure now and i am battling to come to terms with this and believe him. What can i do please help me.

ANSWER:   Hi  Lauren,

You're right! Your boyfriend is very much in denial. There is a perception that changing from spirits to beer is a good alternative. Not so, alcohol is alcohol. To break his denial  have him look at this self test.

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

I'm quite certain that he won't do well on this test, so it can give him second thoughts about not having an alcohol problem.

One of the traits of an alcoholic, is that they lie and manipulate. So, don't put so much energy on his words. Look at his behavior.

You have to stand firm. Tell him that you can't go on in this relationship and that it's destroying you. Do not allow him to give you excuses, for example: saying that he has major personal issues and he'll give up alcohol once it's over. His personal issues are one thing, the addiction is another. Tell him, that for the relationship to continue he must get help now.

Find out where the  AA meetings are in your area, and demand that he goes. He should go a minimum of 3 times a week, until he gets used to it. Then he must get a sponsor. If this is not for him, he can get private addiction counseling. But whatever he does, he has to do something.

This is not an easy thing to do, Lauren, because he'll fight it. But you have to stand firm. If you choose to stay in this relationship, you will feel even more insecure.

I hope this information is helpful, and if you need further advice please let me know.

Thank you for  asking All Experts,

Good luck!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I have read all you have said, and it is brilliant advise and all. I have tried to get him to AA Meetings but not succeeding very well. I have looked at all the questions and i know all the answers are YES for him, i will try get him to look at it, but i know he will refuse. I am so torn up cause i have broken up with him and he comes back and i know i love this man and dont want to hurt him, but how do i get him to understand and get help. He has been in Rehab 4 times before, and i understand that what he is experiencing personally is hectic, i probably would also want to drink, but that is a bad excuse and he should try and quit now cause his drinking has only brought him pain and anxiety. I am so soft hearted and find it hard to lose this cause of the love he has for me, he tells me i come first, but how can i feel that when he cant give up booze? Is there any other ways to get him to accept and go for help

Answer
Hi again Loren,

If he refuses to answer the questions and he's had 4 rehab failures, he doesn't believe that he can do it. He's depressed about his drinking, but alcohol doesn't help the situation either - it's a depressant.

It's very difficult to break up with a man who needs you. This is what we call a codependent relationship - not uncommon for alcoholics. He says he loves you and can be very nice, but then he lies and manipulates you and you can't trust him.

You have to set strong boundaries with what you need from him and what you'll accept in this relationship, because it's not 'all about him.'

To understand codependency, here's a link:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

It also would be helpful for you to go to Alanon meetings. The members are all in the same position as yourself, and you'll not only get support, but you may get more confidence to stand up to him.

Not easy, but if he doesn't change, you have to.

Once you stand up to him, he may go to meetings simply for your benefit - doesn't matter WHY he goes, only that he GOES - gets a sponsor and gets on track.

Right now his first love is the drink and you shouldn't have to live with that.

Best wishes,
Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Once again, I hope this is helpful,
And thank you for asking AllExperts