AboutAmarnath.B Expertise Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases.
Involved in counseling/rehabilitation.
Can answer any question on this subject.
Experience 8 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.
Education/Credentials Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders.
HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse.
Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.
Question How do I explain to my 11 year old son that his father is an alcoholic? We separated when he was 5 and did not reconcile until my husband had gone through rehab and was sober. My son was 8 when we reconciled. (I did a pretty good job during the separation to make sure our son never saw his dad drunk or even hungover). My husband started drinking again a couple of months ago periodically but getting progressively worse so I packed all his stuff and left it where he was drinking. I know honesty is the best way to go but any suggestions would be helpful. Also I am not keen on my husband taking our son for visits as I consider him to be very untrustworthy when he is using. If I choose to say no to visitation will this be too harmful to my son? Help please.
Thank you very much in advance.
Answer Hello Kelly,
Thank you for your question.
I understand your predicament Kelly, but one day your son is definitely going to find out about his father’s alcoholism from the outside like his friends or neighbors or anyone. So instead of him going through the embarrassment and humiliation of learning from others, I would rather, you tell him about it. You could start by explaining to him that alcoholism is a disease and that his father is trying his best to come out of it. Please do not make your husband look or sound like a criminal or a bad person. An alcoholic is not a bad or a mad person. He is just a sick person. He drinks not because he wants to but because the disease of alcoholism is making him drink.
Now for your second question about visitation. Yes, you can say no for visitation because it is not healthy for your son now. In an alcoholic family, the passive members often suffer as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns. Children who grow up in families affected by the disease of alcoholism never do really grow up in many ways.
Sure, they grow up physically -- but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually many of them get stuck back there in early childhood. They never learn a "normal" way of thinking, feeling or reacting. Think about it. The kids will be raised by people who never grew up themselves. They have no "normal" example to follow. How were they supposed to learn how healthy families relate to each other? They sure didn't have any experience with it!
Here are some facts that you may not know about children of alcoholics:
1.They are more likely to be victims of abuse or to witness domestic violence.
2. They are more likely than other children to begin drinking during adolescence.
3. They are more likely to experience mental health problems—depression, anxiety, behavioral disorders, and lower self-esteem—in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.
4. They have more difficulties in school.
5. They often blame themselves for their parent’s drinking and related behavior.
I also suggest that you attend Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a self-help group (an off-shoot of AA) for families and friends of alcoholics. Here you will meet people who have been or are in the same situation as yours. It is in these meetings you will draw a lot of strength and learn how to deal with yourself and your children in a dysfunctional family. You can tell your husband without hurting him that he could visit his son once he gets into recovery and starts leading a sober life. Explain to your son also without hurting him why he cannot be with his father now.
Kelly, I hope and pray things work out for you and your family. Please do not hesitate to contact me for any questions or concerns.
