AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree and serve as a pastor for the Quaker church.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question I have been dating someone in AA for about 4 months now. He was very up front about it from the begininning and it never bothered me. He has been sober since he was 19, for 7 years now. He is very active in his AA groups and sponsors 4 people. Our relationship was great from the start. We saw each other a lot and he still seemed to be very active in his program and with his friends and jobs. Then he started traveling more for work and I guess slowly he became less active with the groups. We still saw each other quite a bit but then recently became a bit disconnected. I can't really explain why. We were both putting in the effort to see each other but often ended up bickering. I was going through some personal issues and he now says he felt like I was pushing him away. The long and short of it is that he broke up with me to focus on his program and to put more into it so he can get more out of it. I feel like our relationship problems can be easily fixed, but he seems to think he can not work on his program while we are together, although he does say that he is open to revisiting our relationship in the near future. I would like to be part of his program and go to some meetings with him and try to fully understand it. Why does he feel like he still has to give 100% of himself to the program? He has been sober without relapsing for over 7 years. Why does he feel like he has to sponsor 4 people? Is there anything in AA that encourages members with many years of sobreity to start tapering off their involvement with AA and to start going it alone if they can? Will he always be so dependent on it? I want to understand as much as possible. Being a non-alcoholic am I even allowed at AA meetings? He seems to think that his happiness is directly related to his involvement in AA. Why do you think that is? Has he just traded one addiction for another? I feel like our relationship was really great and that in a very short time period it all changed. We are still in contact and I do think there is a strong possibility that we will get back together. Am I only kidding myself? His last long term relationship was with a girl who was in AA as well. They dated for 2 years.
Answer Amanda.
Thank you for the honest and frank questions about the devout nature of an AA'ers walk in their program
I do not have any idea how serious he may be in his program from the standpoint of honesty, but let me assume that he is a genuine recovering alcoholic who seriously embraces the gift of sobriety. For such people, a continued involvement in AA is a way to give back to the still-suffering alocholic a measure of the grace shown to them in their recovery by a loving God. You do not say, but let's also assume that he has a truly deep understanding of a Higher Power whom he feels is responsible for his sobriety.
If these assumptions hold true, he is a marvelously unselfish and giving person for continuing in the program and for sponsoring people. It will be a life-long commitment - it is a ministry to which he has been called.
His truth he is sharing is that he does not want to risk losing all he has gained in sobriety and maturity since getting sober. Evidently, there are enough signs he sees that says that you may not be the ideal woman for him. Then again, he is probably being honest when he says that he may like to pursue the relationship in the future.
You indicate a sincere interest in being involved with his AA and attending meetings, well, I can make a suggestion...if you are not prone to alcoholism, you are welcome to become active in Alanon, the program for families and friends of alcoholics. You'll work the same program on your own growth and maturity and solution to the issues to which you have alluded. If you care to do this, it would open a door of mutual interests that may just be the ticket to your happily rejoining him in relationship. This is a serious commitment you'll need to think about but I think it may be the only sure way to get this fellow to say "I do."
A person who is in ministry (and we are all ministers, if you think about it as we reach out to people in need), will need the undying love and commitment of another to continue that successfully.
My personal life testifies to this as I fell away from AA for about six months after having remarried and, thinking this person was committed to ministry, I almost lost all my bearings in God's direction He had set before me. I almost drank and that means going back to behaviors that would have killed me. This person left me after four years as they could not sustain the commitment. It was a very devastating event in my life.
BUT, I am sober today, and four years later I am still finding grace in the new life God planned for me, I am very active in AA, sponsor many young men, and am leading the life of service intended for my life.
I hope this may help explain the nature of real sobriety. Write again if I might answer any further questions.
