Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/1/2009

Question
Hi my name is Ann, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for going on 12 years now. I am a stay at home mom to our three daughters including a set of twins and a baby due at the beginning of next year. My husband and I both grew up in a very small town on an island without much to do, so a lot of the teens drank a lot, my husband included. I have never enjoyed how alcohol effects me so I rarely drink.  

When we first got married my husband would sometimes have few beers after work and usually party with friends on the weekends but I thought nothing of it because that is what most people our age were doing, we got married when I was 18 and he was 21. It didn't occur to me that he had a problem with alcohol until the twins were about 3, we were living in a town we both hated and he had a miserable job. He started drinking 6-8 beers every night after work, and was very distant. I felt very depressed and alone because he never seemed to hear anything I talked to him about or care. After a while of this happening it started to really bother me because with the job he had we didn't see him much and when we did he would have a beer in his hand, not something I wanted my girls to see and think was normal. He would say he would quit and he would for a while and then he'd start again having 2-3 and slowing increasing it back up to 8 or more a night. I still pretty much thought it was just how he was dealing with his unpleasant job.

About a year ago he got a job he had been trying to get for years so we were both really excited. We also moved back closer to where we both grew up and he was happy about that as well. I thought that since things were so much better for us that the drinking would stop, but it didn't. He continued to drink so I started getting mad at him for it which only caused him to be mean and hurtful when he drank and to try and be sneaky. He doesn't drink every night, but several days out of the week and he gets drunk pretty much every day he doesn't have to work. So far his drinking hasn't effected his work although it came close last year when he nearly got a DUI.

Since he knows I don't like him to drink he tries to hide it, I've found beer cans hidden behind our dresser, in the closet and in the shed. I can tell by how his expression changes and by the things he does or says. I cannot stand the fact that he drinks, I am constantly afraid he is going to do something stupid that will cost him his job or get him killed. I know I should leave him alone and live my life and let him deal with the consequences of his actions but it is so hard because I am a stay at home mom and I know if he loses his job I will have a very hard time supporting our family. I want my kids to live in a normal happy family and that is hard when my husband cannot do any normal thing (BBQ's, game nights, camping etc.) without wanting to drink. If there is not alcohol involved it is not fun to him.  It makes me feel HORRIBLE that he cannot enjoy the kids and I without a buzz. His family has a long line of alcoholics including his father so that doesn't help. He thinks the only problem is the fact that I have a problem with it. He grew up with his dad doing the same thing and most other guys too so he thinks it's normal. I know he has a problem because he has made so many promises to stop but cannot have fun in life without it. I can't understand how having a family that loves him and a great job cannot make him happy enough to live without alcohol. Why is he so willing to risk losing it all?  I feel helpless, hurt and alone.  Sometimes I wish I could just leave him and then maybe he'd wake up and realize he has a problem but I have nowhere to go.  I got married right out of high school and got pregnant with my daughter shortly after so I have never really had a real job. I do work 8 hours a week right now, but I don't make even close to enough to raise the kids on my own. I also don't want to tear apart our family, my husband is a good father and can be awesome when he is not drinking, but when he is I cannot stand him. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Answer
Hi Ann,

Your husband drinks too much, but right now he's in denial that  there's a serious problem. He views your concerns as nagging, and so he's hiding the beer, but he's not willing to stop.  

To help break the denial here's an alcohol self test that you can show him.
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

Tell him that you're really concerned, because you see him going down hill and sooner or later his job will be affected. I don't think that he's ready to go to AA meetings and/or get addiction counseling at this point. He doesn't think it's necessary - until the problem is in his face (and of course this is what you're trying to prevent) This is what we call a 'bottom' but don't worry, he doesn't have to hit rock bottom to stop.

In the mean time, find out if there are Alanon meetings in your area and go to them. These groups are for family members of alcoholics and they'll not only be helpful, they'll be supportive. The members are very understanding because they've all been there.

Hope this information in helpful, and if you need further info, please let me know,

Thank you for writing All Experts

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com