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Question
I am living with a husband, that cares more about the next beer, than me or our children and grandchildren. He has drank heavy for the last couple of years. I have pleaded with him to stop, seek help (AA) he refues to go. Says he
will quit on his own. Sometimes he will go for 3-4 days, this gives me hope, then he starts drinking all over again.
I have waited and waited, almost 1 year with his brutal verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse. His life revoles
around drinking, he has no other interest. Friday nights and
Saturdays are his heaviest drinking days. But he almost always drings 3 - 4 every night. He spends his time drinking, then the rest of the time in bed sleeping it off.
I am miserable! Am I supposed to live the rest of my life
like this? I am 58 and he is 59. I feel trapped.
Greetings to you, Linda.
You have written:
>> I am miserable!
>> Am I supposed to live the rest of my life like this?
No, and if I were you, I would be talking to my children and asking for a place in one of their homes. Do not go to them complaining about their father, just quietly let them know what is going on, if they do not already know, and ask them to make a place for you with them. Just as we once cared for our children, they are now supposed to do that for us, if necessary.
>> I have pleaded with him to stop, seek help (AA) he refuses to go.
>> Says he will quit on his own.
>> Sometimes he will go for 3-4 days, this gives me hope, then he starts drinking all over again.
You and your husband are up against an illness here, and there is nothing he can do about him drinking. He drinks because he must, and that will continue until he wants to be changed into a new man so he will no longer have to drink.
>> I have waited and waited, almost 1 year with his brutal verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse.
Again, ask your children for a safe haven for you.
>> I feel trapped.
Sure, and your husband actually *is* trapped, by the bottle. But, you can get away, if you like.
If you wish, take some time here to read the chapter “To Wives” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm
Doing that will give you some perspective from women in situations just like your own. Then, you might also take a look in your phone book and make contact with Al-Anon if you have not already done that.
Please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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