Expert: Clyde - 6/23/2009

Question
Hello.

I was wondering if you can help me with this situation. About a year and a half ago I met a very nice guy and we began seeing each other on a regular basis. At the time we met we both were struggling to come to terms with our sexuality and we took alot of strength from each other due to the fact that we had been harboring these feelings/struggles for so many years from our families. It was good to have someone to share things. So about 3-4 months into our relationship we decided that we needed to come out to our family. I told my mother first and introduced the two of them. I must admit that my mother is such a beautiful person that her love for me is unconditional and she excepted him and us. When he told his mother she automatically took to the self-pity aspect, blaming herself for him being gay and she really put alot of stress on him. I asked if he was going to introduce me he doesn't want to cause he said she's at the point of denial. About a year or so prior to the two of us getting together he had issues with drugs and alcohol and had been in a 30 day treatment program. But with the stress of coming out and the emotional strain he was feeling he started drinking again, very heavy, he started abusing prescription pills (but not overly doing them, thank God) and he picked up the habit of smoking crack cocaine which was introduced to him by someone he had really just met. I was able to recognize the drinking problem and he told me about the pills, the crack I was in the dark about. I should also let you know that there is a age gap between us, he is 20 and I am 34. About 3 months after his coming out and relapse, he stole money from his mother in order to get high. That night he called and told me what he had done and I told him to come to my place so we can talk. When he got there he knew the consequences of his actions and he also knew that his parents were going to send him to rehab. The next day he was sent to a well-known facility. He spent 90 days at this facility. Then towards the end of his stay, his counselor convinces the mother that he needed to be sent to an affiliate facility in southern Florida. He has been there now for 2 1/2 months. He contacted me and told me that the counselor there is ready to recommend to his mother that his stay be extended. I can understand if he was not participating in the program but he has been a model individual. Even his letters and conversations to me have greatly I mean greatly improved. His whole attitude and outlook is so focused to where he has his goals clearly mapped out. He told me that he feels like the facility is trying keep him and he really doesn't know or understand the reasoning. At this point he feels like finishing the remaining time and leaving and totally disconnect himself from his family because he feels they are going to rely upon the recommendation of the counselor. He's feeling abandoned by them. I'm just soooo grateful that my mother has taken to him and considers him as one of her own. She asks about him everyday, prays for him, they write each other, I mean he is very much a part of me and my family unit.

So for the long read but I need some advice. I really don't want him to break the ties with his family nor do I want this to trigger another relapse.

Thanks...

Answer
Will,
   Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the situation.

   I can only offer this observation and experience....

   Until I got sober, I did not know who I really was supposed to be nor did I know what life would look like as a sober individual.  I would not turn back one page of time I have spent as a sober individual, however, even though I have been through some rather tough things as a sober person.  Your realization of your sexuality, and the openness and honesty with which you have shared that with those closest to you has set you free.  The same will happen for him.

   He must do this thing for himself and anyone who does not take the ride with him must take second seat to his own truth and honesty. That means that family who will not embrace the new person he has become as a sober person will have to be left behind.  We say in AA, "wife or no wife, job or no job, we do not drink."  That means that nothing will set us back from our own truth.

   I hope that your friend has felt like he has been given new tools through this extended stay in the rehab.  It can not hurt but he needs to stand on his own two feet and live life.  If the family is interfering in his release that is unfortunate and not right.  But I also hope that he has learned that some people will never like him as a sober individual once they have known him as the drunk.

   It is not for you to say what happens with family relationships for him after he gets back home.  That is his choice and I hope he grieves the loss of those (if they fall away) and moves on "down the road of happy destiny."

   I hope that this has helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde